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Honolulu Lite
THE holidays are behind us, a new year begun and the air is alive with the sound of gavels smacking onto polished wood, meaning we have moved into that season that columnists live for: the Silly Season. This year is special because Silly Season comes after national and state elections, while nerves are still raw, egos still bruised and feathers still ruffled. Silly Season keeps
us all entertainedLike bird watchers in the spring, columnists stick their heads outside and listen for those lovely sounds from the political landscape: the shrill cry of Sen. Ted Kennedy protesting the nomination of John Ashcroft as U.S. Attorney General; the forlorn wailing of lobbyists suddenly out of power; the happy chirps of Hawaii Republicans sensing new opportunities, the cautious, exploratory calls from our state Capitol for legalized gambling, gay marriage and euthanasia for the pained and infirm. It's a grand time when no idea is too silly to be voiced and no issue safe from being savaged.
In Hawaii, once lawmakers get to work, it's time sit back in awe and marvel at what silliness might issue forth. Will someone propose importing savage little eels, which, though tasty, could wipe out local fish if they got loose in our oceans and streams? It happened. Will there be fresh calls for a tax on fast-food ketchup packets? Will someone once again propose that state workers be allowed to take naps while on duty?
No really silly ideas have floated out of the Big Square Building yet. But it's early. There is some discussion of legalizing euthanasia, which is a serious issue because, when it comes to dying, you don't get a mulligan.
A state panel of citizens studying the issue in 1998 agreed that involuntary euthanasia should remain a crime, so you gotta love 'em for that. There's another word for "involuntary euthanasia." I think it's "homicide." But should people in pain be allowed to end their lives with the help of their doctor? Should families be allowed to pull the plug on grandpa if he's on life support and unable to speak for himself? If an elderly serial killer in prison decides he wants to die, is it euthanasia or capital punishment?
Nationally, the big issue is President Bush's proposal to give "faith-based" organizations federal money to do good work. The anti-church-and -state crowd is foaming at the mouth over this one. Why, it would lead to discrimination and forced spiritual conversion! Christian organizations wouldn't hire Jews or gays to man soup lines. Moslem organizations would try to convert drug addicts to follow Allah.
Religious leaders who support the idea may have second thoughts when they see what organizations are going to be getting the money. We aren't just talking about mainstream religious groups who have a history of community outreach.
Groups like First Church of White Supremacy and World Domination will demand money for a Little White Cracker Day Care Center. The Militant Breath-Air-ians in the Worship of the Giant Sequoia Being will demand their cut of federal funds for a 12-step tree-top Meat-aholics Anonymous program. The Losers in Flowing Robes Who Ring Bells Incessantly Church of the Living Tofu will demand money for Aura Reconstruction Centers. The Cathedral of Navel Worship will demand money for it's Prostitution Counseling and Lint-removal Outreach Project.
And they'll get it, or they'll sue. Because it's the Silly Season, when anything is possible.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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https://archives.starbulletin.com/lite