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The Goddess Speaks
THE car is distinct, plastered with bold, colorful stickers. I'd spot it at the mall and gym lots and wondered if I was a subconscious stalker. It's just that Oahu's not that big. I'd see it at the coffee shop lot, usually on Thursdays. I'd pop in, pass time in line guessing "who's the driver?" and pop out with coffee in tow, mystery intact. Can’t take a flirt to heart
I was in line gazing out the window one day as the car zipped up. The driver dashed out wearing a white pinstriped shirt, cuffs buttoned. His pace was deliberate, eyes intensely focused. Not quite the whimsical soul I imagined.
He took his place behind me and as I glanced over he said, "Hi, how's your morning?"
"Fine," I said and we chatted about his car ... his work ... the weather. He invited me to a table and as we flexed our wit muscles and laughed, I began to see how his personality matched his car.
We planned to meet the next day. Same time, same place.
There were several of these encounters in two weeks and daily flirtatious email. Nothing else. Something didn't feel right.
I asked whether he had a girlfriend. "Yes," he said.
Live with her? "Yes."
Of course. Silly me. What was I thinking. Maybe it was his email, "I'd kill or die to have coffee with you Monday." Or the way he said, "See how my hand is shaking after a day of not talking to you?" It all must have been "harmless" flirting.
Flirting happens. There are no rules, just etiquette and ethic. Knowing the Singles from the Nots is part of what makes it harmless. The Nots are brazen, throwing quips about relentlessly then retreating home to their Significant Others. Some Singles like me are more cautious, bantering without that safety net. When it gets raunchy at work, a bystander will chirp "sexual harassment suit" and it halts.
To gain more perspective on my flirty acquaintance, I sought feedback from friends:
Woman, divorced: He's looking for a woman, a parachute to bail from his relationship.
Man living with significant other: He's not serious, it's just fodder for his ego. Bat your eyelashes and flirt back.
Man, married, no wedding ring: I had lunch with a woman and I thought it presumptuous to say I was married. I mentioned it after the third lunch and she got upset. She said I should've told her up front.
Woman, single: These kind of men think omission is technically not a lie, even though the intent is to mislead. Don't leave it up to them to tell you about a girlfriend; ask right away.
Woman, divorced, 2 children: Some men think they're doing us a favor by flirting and won't stop even if you draw the line. The engine's flooded but they keep turning the key because, hey, sometimes that works.
Man, divorced and remarried: He's just hoping to see some skin.
MEN, I'm told, possess a deep need to feel free, and even if they're in a happy, committed relationship will find ways to fulfill this. Some golf, others have poker nights.
Some just pretend they're free. Flirting becomes sport. The big catch is at home, but side dishes keep life interesting.
At our fifth java rendezvous, I asked if he told her we meet for coffee. No, he said -- but he will -- and I'll meet her someday. He didn't usually do "this sort of thing," he said, "wait and see ... only time will tell." As he spoke, I watched a row of ants march to who knows where.
He asked about connecting again.
"I'll just say hi next time I see your car here," I said.
"Fine," he said, flashing his boyish grin.
I strolled out a bit melancholy. Some of my best buds have a girlfriend or wife, men more mindful of etiquette and ethic.
Sometimes this island seems way too small. I see his car around and pass it, glad that his girlfriend isn't me.
Ruby Mata-Viti is a Today! section page designer.
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