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Christmas is supposed to be the merriest time of the year. But holiday blues creep up on us when least expected. Reach out for help
when holiday blues
overwhelm
By Nancy Arcayna
Special to the Star-BulletinHolidays trigger both happy and unpleasant memories. We are easily reminded of the pain in our lives. And, witnessing the joy of others can cause even greater feelings of hopelessness for some individuals.
The hustle and bustle of the season can leave someone both emotionally and physically drained. The increased stress and fatigue, unrealistic expectations, financial difficulties and over-commercialization of the season are all contributing factors.
"People start to wonder how they will cram everything into their calendar, how they will deal with all of the stresses that come with parties and family get-togethers or who will be missed this year," says Castle Medical Center Chaplain Larry Huston.
"There is a lot of nonsense out there about grief," he says. "We feel grief physically, emotionally and spiritually. It tends to inhabit us like ghosts. The trick is to make friends with grief so it doesn't continue to haunt us."
Grief is not limited to the grieving process associated with death, he says. "Anyone who is capable of making an attachment is susceptible to grief."
Grief over losing a loved one during the holidays or missing someone you have lost through a divorce or separation can be especially devastating. Most people are supportive immediately after the loss but survivors can feel the effects of losing a loved for several months or even years.
"Some people are like porcupines. They are so consumed with grief that you can't even get near them," says Huston.
"My dad died about five years ago, but the last time I cried about it was three days ago," Huston said. "Memories are like videos in our heads. They can be triggered by environment, a special date or music and have quite an impact even 20 years later.
"If the person who died is the one who did the Christmas tree or pounded mochi or told the Hanukkah story, the absence is great. You can't pretend they are not there," says Anne Sage, funeral director of Williams Funeral Service.
"People who are normally competent feel they are going nuts. Grief can make you forgetful and causes sleep problems.
"Survivors really have trouble during the holidays," she says. "The best thing to do is to be supportive and try to get the person to talk about things."
"We are made to believe that it will all go away ... that time heals all wounds. But in reality, grief remains with us for a lifetime," Huston said. "Time is merely an opportunity to deal with the pain. People who have the hardest time are those who believe it will all be over soon.
"I've even heard people say don't cry. If we followed that prescription, it would be a set-up for death in some cases. Grief and depression can kill you," Huston says.
"During the holidays, some people go out and spend all sorts of money trying to run away from their grief. The stores love them," says Huston.
Patrick McGivern has been a psychologist for 21 years. His office gets busier during the holidays, especially after the new year. Many individuals feel disappointed after the holidays, he says.
"People start to remember all the wonderful holidays of the past. They tend to idealize it and think back to the good old days. It's their own thoughts that get them into trouble. They focus on how lonely or depressed they feel now. Parents or others once made everything happen ... presents magically appeared and parties were planned. If no one is around to do all these things, it can be a letdown," he says.
"But, everyone has the power to go out and do fun things. They can even throw a party if they're not invited to one," says McGivern. "There are lots of things people can do to cheer themselves up during the holidays. First, they need to get rid of the self-defeating thoughts."
The worst thing for a depressed person is isolation. Overeating, drinking alcohol or taking drugs are a means of escape but only provide temporary relief, he says.
"Diet and exercise routines are important during the holiday season. People normally don't eat right. Junk food and sugar can effect moods. If you don't maintain a healthy diet, it causes stress to both the body and mind," says McGivern.
"We fantasize that everyone is having a wonderful holiday season. In reality, there are a lot of miserable people out there. After they speak to someone, they realize that they are not alone," says Ellen Ervin, a therapist at the counseling and clinical services at The Queen's Medical Center.
Reaching out for help from family, friends, clergy, support groups or a therapist is important, she says.
Where to get help
Anxiety education meetings
The Queen's Medical Center, 547-4401, 6 p.m. first and third Fridays of each month. For those suffering from anxiety, as well as their friends and family. Free.
Bereavement support
1 p.m. Tuesdays, Castle Medical Center Kailua. Call 263-5343.
Mental health services
Suicide/crisis hot line
521-4555
Click for online
calendars and events.
