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Honolulu Lite
Before the presidential election, we all used to worry about other things but just what those things were escapes me. Whatever they were, CNN covered them like a blanket and all the talking heads got highly worked up about them and everyone took them VERY seriously except late night comedians who made fun of them. ‘News Flash!’ ain’t
what it used to beAfter more than a month of excruciating coverage of the Florida fiasco, which resulted in Vice President Al Gore and 457 battalions of lawyers finding themselves jobless, the television networks have severely damaged their credibility. Most of the damage was caused by the excessive use of the "News Alert!" and "Breaking News" signs. Those are only supposed to be used in extraordinary circumstances so that if you are walking by your television and see one of them, you immediately plop your butt on the couch to find out what is happening. Before the election, "News Alert!" meant someone had been assassinated, a war had broken out or President Clinton had been caught doing the nasty with yet another intern or hotel desk receptionist.
During the post-election conflict, any little thing became a "News Alert!"("This is a Fox News Alert! Let's go now to the Florida Supreme Court, where absolutely nothing is happening, but it's happening with surprising speed. As you can see, no one is standing at that podium at the top of the steps. That is significant. Something could be happening inside the building. Except it is 2 a.m. Sunday and we're pretty sure that no one's in the building but a couple of washerwomen. We will have an exclusive interview with one of the washerwomen when they break for lunch at 4 a.m. Eastern Standard Time. We expect some major developments at sunrise, with Palm Beach remaining partial cloudy through Tuesday and a 40 percent chance of rain.")
All those false alarms have rendered the "News Alert!" logos meaningless, which raises the scary concern of what the networks will resort to now to get our attention. I fear CNN will have James Earl Jones shouting "HEY, SUCKA! SIT YOUR BUTT DOWN! SOMETHING IMPORTANT'S HAPPENIN'!"
WITH George W. Bush officially the president-elect, things are returning to normal on the news channels. They even showed Clinton in England with the Queen, for some reason. I had the sound down and didn't know what was going on. I thought the president had been busted for hitting on old broads. Extensive coverage of the JonBenet Ramsey non-story cannot be far behind. And how every news camera in the country could be in Florida for 45 days without getting ONE picture of O.J. playing golf, I don't know.
Thank God Bush will be our next president because at least we columnists will have plenty of funny stuff to write about. Near the end of the election, I cringed whenever I saw him on television giving impromptu press conferences. In one, he warned terrorists not to take advantage of the rift between Democrats and Republicans in America because "partisanship begins at the sea shore," getting the reference exactly backward.
I'm sure he's a smart man, but he has a vicious case of Dan Quayle-itus when it comes to public speaking. And he knows it. That's what makes watching him speak so terrifying. Neither the speaker nor listener knows what will come wafting out of Bush's mouth, causing a palpable level of anxiety for everyone concerned. I suggest the networks keep their "Blooper Alert!" sign handy.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
The Honolulu Lite online archive is at:
https://archives.starbulletin.com/lite