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Honolulu Lite
ONE peculiar aspect of writing a newspaper column is that you are often called on to judge various competitions. Peculiar, because any regular reader knows there are many elements that go into column-writing and good judgment isn't one of them. Indeed, bad judgment is responsible for some of my most memorable columns, not to mention the most memorable death threats. Judge not, lest ye
like stomach acheNevertheless, organizations continue to ask me to judge contests, from barbecued ribs to decorated Christmas trees to Christmas trees decorated with barbecued ribs. (The tree with the femur angel was adorable.)
While I generally agree to be a judge whenever requested, I do so with a certain amount of trepidation. For one thing, the other judges are likely to be celebrities whom everyone is excited to see. It's like, we'd like to introduce our judges: Emme Tomimbang, Leslie Wilcox, Gov. Ben Cayetano, Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, the pope and that guy down on the end, he's a writer or something.
Anyway, most judging is fun. I'm looking forward to being a judge in the Gingerbread Hale Festival at the Neal Blaisdell Center on Dec. 10, mainly because it won't involve the actual eating of gingerbread, which I detest. The contest is being staged by Easter Seals to raise money for a program to help teens with disabilities.
Teams from 20 or so local companies will be building structures of gingerbread. While there is a category for traditional houses, participants also will be competing in categories like "island style," "corporate" and "futuristic." I'm hoping someone recreates George Jetson's house.
Chef Alan Wong is a member of the Easter Seals board and, surprise, a team from his restaurant will be competing. So when the U.S. Supreme Court is done sorting out the Florida mess, maybe it can look into this curious situation. As a judge, I'll try to make sure the Wong team doesn't have an unfair advantage over other teams, like, say, the one from One Fas Lube. One Fas Lube employs very few pastry chefs, so I suspect it'll be at a slight disadvantage. Maybe next year Easter Seals will sponsor an oil-changing contest. (I don't care if your little white chef outfit is going to get dirty, Mr. Wong. Get under the car!)
The impending gingerbread contest brought back memories of other contests I've been involved with. There actually was not a Christmas Tree Decorated with Barbecued Rib Contest, although I think it would be a fine idea.
I did judge a rib contest, which left me hating the sight or smell of ribs for about two years.
And I judged a Christmas tree decorating contest for a local airline, which was a blast because the trees were on different islands and we were flown to all the islands in one day.
The worst contest I had to judge was an SOS contest put on by various branches and departments of the military. SOS stands for "stuff on a shingle" except "stuff" isn't the real word. It's basically creamed chipped beef on toast, and if you've tasted it once, you've fulfilled your lifetime quota.
While all the military teams were very enthusiastic and came up with clever and whimsical takes on the old military chow-time favorite, when it gets down to it, creamed chip beef is creamed chipped beef, which is to say, disgusting.
The only good thing about the SOS contest was that no team served the odious concoction on gingerbread.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
The Honolulu Lite online archive is at:
https://archives.starbulletin.com/lite