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Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Friday, November 3, 2000

From dream homes
to nightmares

THE latest edition of Unique Homes, my favorite magazine, features a $45-million pile of bricks in California called "La Belle Vie," which means, I believe, "eat the poor."

"The lavish master suite, bathed in hues of champagne and bois de rose, is a study in restrained elegance and serenity," states the text, a study in restraint itself that runs for just short of 22 pages. If you could afford this "fabled residence bathed in timeless heritage of prestige" (there's lots of bathing going on 'round this puppy), you could also pick up the "Elegant Isleworth Estate" as servants quarters. For only $14 mil, the Isleworth Estate is a mere bauble. The "two huge bronze lions guarding the porte cochere" should keep the help from walking off with the silverware.

It doesn't say what a porte cochere is or why it needs to be guarded, but in a dump like this I guess you gotta watch everything that isn't tied down.

Of course, these are just the premier properties for sale in the Unique Homes guide, which comes out monthly, like Playboy. And like Playboy, your chances of ever owning, visiting or engaging in congress with any of the items photographed is nil.

I use Unique Homes to keep my life in context. I pore over the photos like a detective, examining each detail. Is there one thing connected to this house I could afford? Certainly not the Texas limestone or priceless marble. Not even the glass-paneled French doors. Or the swimming pool. Or the swimming pool diving board. Or a single deck chair or bug zapper. With the connivance of a drunken banker, I might be able to finance the front porch light bulb.

I am thinking of launching a housing magazine for the rest of us. Something on the low end. Here are some early entries:

Cross-to-Bear. This one will bring tears to your eyes. Not to mention a sharp pain to your chest and the dry heaves. As charming a little money pit as you'll ever come across. Nearly 534 square feet of tumble-down dreams with five times the suction power of a Hoover upright. Money will fly out of the house like the toaster in "Poltergeist."

Whitehead Island, N.J. A more aptly named rubble mound there's never been. This whimsical combination of bad architecture and poor construction (bathed in hues of Boones Farm Strawberry Wine) truly is a pimple on the butt of the national housing market.

A River Runs Through It! But only once a year. Fly fish from your front porch in this Colorado eye-catcher. Sportsman's delight. Bear, elk, dingos and most of your larger wildcats can be found within yards of wherever you happen to be at the moment.

Killingsworth, Mont. This faux Alpine chateau is worth killing for. At least it's previous owner thought so! Fresh wall plaster and new carpets throughout.

Orchid Island Golf and Beach Club is the ironic name of this stretch of scorched desert in the middle of Nevada. Spacious 244-square-foot lots on a former nuclear weapons proving ground await your custom home. Choose from a number of floor plans in the aluminum shed section of any Sears catalog.

Orlando Area, Fla. Disneyland is a true fantasy for the lucky owners of this double-wide trailer just a short two-day drive to Mickey Mouse Land and minutes from the finest catfish diners and banjo shacks along the rustic Georgia border. You'll squeal like a pig !

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Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to cmemminger@starbulletin.com.

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