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Changing Hawaii

By Diane Yukihiro Chang

Friday, November 3, 2000

Trying to be open-minded
about a Bush presidency

YESTERDAY the Star-Bulletin endorsed Al Gore's bid for the presidency. Therefore, in an effort to be fair (and so all my Republican friends at the Rotary Club of Honolulu won't be mad at me), I'm devoting this entire space to the other guy in the race.

Actually, there are plenty of reasons to be happy if George W. Bush is elected on Tuesday. Honest. I had a relatively easy time coming up with this list of advantages:

Bullet President Bush will constantly keep us amused with the unintended funny things he says, like "tacular weapons" ("tactical nuclear weapons") and "subliminable" ("subliminal").

Bullet Unlike Gore, we won't be reminded of Bill Clinton every time we see him.

Bullet Eight years is much too long for the Democrats to maintain a grasp on the White House or on any jurisdiction. (Caveat: This rule apparently does not apply in Hawaii).

Bullet Isle women will be well-informed by having to read the Star-Bulletin every day to make sure restrictions aren't being placed on their "right to choose" by Bush-appointed justices.

Bullet Aw, c'mon, the environment isn't that important.

Bullet Bush doesn't know a lot of detailed things about lofty stuff we're really not that interested in, like Gore does.

Bullet Instead of having to become first lady and embrace an even more hectic lifestyle, Tipper will finally get to rest and enjoy her family and photography.

Bullet Bush is a compassionate conservative, whatever that means.

Bullet We'll be able to invest some of our Social Security money in the stock market. Yee-ha!

Bullet Laura bakes better cookies than Tipper and won't have illusions of grandeur like Hillary.

Bullet Colin Powell gets to be secretary of state.

Bullet Bush often repeats himself to make sure his message is getting across to the press and public, like when he said: "This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." (Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28).

Bullet School vouchers, baby!

Bullet If a former party animal like Bush can grow up to become president, it will inspire many a frat rat.

Bullet Condoleezza Rice will become the country's first woman national security advisor.

Bullet As Peggy Noonan wrote in Time magazine's Nov. 6 issue: "There is no nice way to say this: We (won't) have another famous liar in the White House."

Bullet We can start naming our daughters "Monica" again.

Bullet Bush won't be governor of Texas anymore (hear the cheers from that state's Death Row?).

Bullet Since Al and Tipper love Hawaii they'd probably come here a lot, resulting in major traffic gridlock when the Secret Service closes off H-1 freeway and overhead bridges for the presidential motorcade. Bah, humbug.

Bullet Tax money will not be "wasted" on prescription-drug coverage for the elderly under Medicare, like Gore wants to provide.

Bullet Bush won't give most Americans an inferiority complex.

See, even residents in a Democratic state like this will be able to flash the shaka sign if George W. takes the general election Tuesday.

If that does happen, and you're a Gore supporter like me, keep this column handy to read and reread so you won't get depressed.

It's going to be a l-o-o-o-n-g four years.

Diane Yukihiro Chang's column runs Monday and Friday.
She can be reached by phone at 525-8607, via e-mail at, or by fax at 523-7863.

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