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Changing Hawaii

By Diane Yukihiro Chang

Monday, October 23, 2000

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Excuses for Mazie,
Mike and coach

I got the funniest present on Friday: "Every Excuse In The Book/714 Ways To Say "It's Not My Fault!'" by Craig Boldman and Pete Matthews (MJF Books, 1998). The compilation of justifications kept me laughing all weekend.

Last night, though, it was time to get serious. Gotta write Monday's column.

Then I realized the very same excuses in the book could be used by three well-known residents in a bit of hot water with the boss, the law or the local sports community.

Consider Lieutenant Governor Hirono. Governor Cayetano is mad that she publicly disagreed with him about giving pay raises to Hawaii Government Employees Association workers, and didn't discuss it with him first.

No worry, Mazie. Next time you see Ben, tell him:

"I just wanted to see if you'd notice."

"Temporary insanity."

"You should have trained me better."

"I was caught up in the moment."

"I called you, but your phone's always busy."

"I'm proud of what I did and I'll never do it again."

"I have a death wish."

"I'll look into it and get back to you."

"You're prejudiced against people who screw up."

"I drank a slushy too fast and it froze my brain."

"I like to keep you on your toes."

"It was a cry for attention."

Meanwhile, former housing official Michael Kahapea has been sentenced to 50 years in prison for stealing $5.8 million from the Ewa Villages relocation fund. Before being caught and convicted in the biggest scam in the city's history, he gambled away millions of taxpayer dollars in Las Vegas.

Too bad Mike (or his attorney) didn't use one of these defenses:

"Everyone's entitled to one mistake."

"If I didn't, somebody else would have."

"I have an evil twin."

"I went to public school."

"I've got a unique value system."

"Let's wait until we have all the facts."

"Trickle-down economics."

"Who among us is completely innocent?"

"You're thinking in black and white. Think in shades of gray."

"I had to get it out of my system."

"I'm easily influenced."

"I'm only human."

Finally, there's the University of Hawaii football team. The Warriors lost another game Saturday, dropping them to 1-5 after last year's spectacular 9-4 record under June Jones.

Psst, Coach. If those nasty sports writers or irate fans give you grief, spout off one of these rebuttals:

"What difference will it make 100 years from now?"

"Your standards are too high."

"I have a fear of success."

"You call this a problem? The Titanic. Now there was a problem."

"I didn't want to seem too perfect."

"I blacked out -- what happened?"

"I felt sorry for the other team."

"The press is demonizing me."

"I need a vacation."

"It's only a game."

"I didn't eat my Wheaties."

"I don't get paid enough to put out that kind of effort."

"I'm going through a phase."

"You mean this isn't a dream?"

Hey, most of the excuses for Hirono, Kahapea and Jones are pretty much interchangeable, aren't they? Try switching them around and see!

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Diane Yukihiro Chang's column runs Monday and Friday.
She can be reached by phone at 525-8607, via e-mail at
dchang@starbulletin.com, or by fax at 523-7863.