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Honolulu Lite
SINCE I generally drive around in a full-sized Ford F-150 pickup truck, I haven't really noticed how our roadways have become the land of the giants. SUVs are taking
over the planetBut I car-pooled in with my wife in her little ironically named Dodge Stratus a few days and found myself feeling claustrophobic as we were boxed in on all sides by enormous road hogs. They call them SUVs, which is appropriate because they are truly Sucking Unnerving Vehicles when you're surrounded by them. The Stratus is ironically named because it's a compact car so low to the ground you feel like you're sitting on a skateboard and yet "stratus" refers to those high, wispy clouds where the views are great.
I don't understand the point of sport utility vehicles that guzzle gasoline and take up so much aina they should be charged rent. They seem to have nothing to do with sport and few utilities. At least my pickup truck can haul a mound of gravel or transport a piano. SUVs are just there to look good. In fact, they resemble giant tennis shoes, with their bulbous fenders and puffed out roofs. These things are just trendy footwear for your fanny, a metal outfit to don for your trip to work or play.
It turns out that they aren't really that practical as basic transportation. They are hard to park. Many of them have four-wheel drive, which is about as useful in Hawaii as a car equipped with afterburners.
The ride in some SUVs was so rough that manufacturers apparently told consumers to fill the tires to a mushy 25 pounds in order to get a nice, smooth ride. Now it turns out that the tires, when not inflated to the necessary 35 pounds or so, tend to fall apart in hot weather and have caused deaths. SUV owners are in a quandary, though, because if they inflate the tires to the proper poundage, the darn SUVs tend to flip over easy during sharp turns.
I'D also like to know how many fender-bender accidents these whales have caused. When you get behind one on the road in a normal-sized vehicle, your view of the cars ahead is completely blocked. Since you can't see the traffic ahead, you have to depend on the knucklehead driving the SUV to stop in a safe manner.
The trend toward monster trucks is amazing, considering the high cost of gas. But I suspect that there is some defensive buying going on. People in small, economical cars probably have grown tired of being terrorized by the Paul Bunyanmobiles. The only thing to do is to get one of their own.
And so the roads are now curb-to-curb colossuses. When they are two or three abreast in front of you, you feel like a running back in the National Football League or that you're taking part in a tank assault on a French village. Except all you can see is several thousand pounds of metal and dark glass and a bumper sticker that says, "My Other Car Is A Humvee."
Where will this all lead? Obviously this is just a fad. It's nice driving a three-story-high vehicle with air conditioning, Internet access, power seats and optional sunroof/gun turret, but owning an SUV is like having a high-maintenance girl or boyfriend: It's great on the eyes but hard on the wallet. Eventually you dump it for the next model.
What will the next models be like? Well, we know they can't get any bigger unless we become a society of bus drivers.
I think after this frivolous fling, people will want something practical. They'll want a vehicle that will serve a purpose. Introducing the 2002 PBH: your Personal Back Hoe.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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https://archives.starbulletin.com/lite