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YOU FLIRT!
Yes, you! Brush up on your
Worst lines
flirting skills with tips from a
social club president and some
who like the night life
Not all about sex By Rosemarie Bernardo
Star-BulletinSAM Paoa, Joseph Tabisola and Geoff Oamilda arrive at Ocean Club at Restaurant Row at 10:30 on a Thursday night, College Night, where young men and women are lined up along a red rope waiting to get in.
The three friends start their night ordering tequila shots, before walking around the club and settling at an open spot beside the bar. Then they put their scheme to work.
Paoa, known as the bait, the looker, attracts the women. Tabisola, the hook, mainly spends his money on drinks for the young ladies. Oamilda, the line, is the smooth talker.
It's a team effort, said Tabisola of trying to meet women.
After Paoa lures them to their table, Tabisola says, "I'll hook them up with drinks. That kind of keeps them there."
Sometimes, Tabisola orders a sweet drink called gymnasium crawler. He uses the line, "You wanna taste my drink?""All the girls love that drink," he said.
Meanwhile, Oamilda always has something to say to get women to stay.
"I'm a sincere talker," said Oamilda. "I'm not really a flirter but I can keep someone around by talking to them," he said.
Tabisola said, "That's why it's a team effort. It has all the elements."
About 50 percent of the time, the team effort works, said Tabisola.
Get real
Not everyone is lucky enough to have teammates and a game plan when meeting members of the opposite sex. Dee Dee DeSoto, president of Kindred Hearts Hawaii, an activities and adventures service for singles, frequently conducts workshops in flirting and says game-playing works against establishing a friendship, much less a relationship.To be a player is one thing, but those who are searching for that special someone should be themselves. Although her advice applies to both men and women, she said it's generally men who use lines that are all too transparent.
"We have radar," she said. "We just have that built-in intuition.
"Women don't like lines," said DeSoto. "It shows lack of creativity and caring."
Beverley "Bunny" Unciano, 25, who was at Ocean Club the same night as Paoa, Tabisola and Oamilda, said, "I totally laugh (at pick-up lines). But, I give some guys credit for trying."I hate guys who just assume that we want to hook up. I'm out there just to have fun," she said.
Sitting atop a bar counter, wearing a black tube top with hot pink leopard pants, Unciano said she dislikes men who flaunt their money or their body. "They all act tantaran (all that), they all act bad. That turns me off."
She said she prefers men "who have confidence in themselves," who take a sincere interest in her or who approach her directly instead of through their buddies.
Unciano also wishes men would drop their acts. "If I meet someone, I'll act how I am. They're going to eventually find out who you are," she said. "You have to just be friends. The more friends, the better."
Take cue from babes
DeSoto said, "If you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed."Be in the moment, not goal-oriented, she said, and take a hint from kids.
"Children are perfect flirts," she said. "Kids are just natural. They wanna ask something, they do it."
At a certain point, adults shy away from the opposite sex because of fear of rejection and lack of self-esteem, said DeSoto. At Kindred Hearts Hawaii, DeSoto said, "People have fun because they know it's not about bars."
At a bar, for all you know, the person seated next to you could be an alcoholic or a woman beater, said DeSoto. At bars, there's no commonality right away, she said.At Kindred Hearts, everybody there is out to have a fun time. By screening each person for membership in the organization, DeSoto said, "I know they're good people."
Body language is a main component of DeSoto's flirting workshop. Her version of the set-up would be to smile, look animated, make eye contact and keep an open posture, that is, don't cross your arms in front of your body or you risk looking aloof.
"Always smile, that's the biggest thing," she said. "A smile in your face and a smile in your eyes."
At Rumours Nightclub, Wayne LaVelle, 54, said, "The eyes are a window to the soul."
When a woman looks directly into my eyes, I know she's not hiding anything, said LaVelle.
Drinking his sixth Corona, Jonathan Iloreta, 21, said eye contact and smiling works for him. Standing closely behind Stephanie Kanai, a young woman Iloreta just met that evening, he hands her a small white rose made out of a paper napkin.
"She's the bomb," said Iloreta.
Kanai accepted the rose with an air of indifference.
DeSoto said that rejection is always a possibility. She said to have a sense of humor about it and simply move on. The fear of rejection shouldn't stop you from taking risks.Describing himself as the least attractive among his two friends, Oamilda said that rejection is "like water off a duck's back. It doesn't really concern me.
"It's not my loss; they lost their chance to have a good friend."
Standing near the front entrance of Ocean's, Justin Dryer says he has a fear of rejection.
"I hate that feeling," he said. "Nobody likes to get shut down."
He copes by trying to remember he's at the club simply to have a good time.
"At the very least, look like you're having fun and don't try so hard," he said.
Drinking a gin martini, Sean Karls, 27, said, "I think the biggest mistake is when (men are) too overly concerned with impressing (women)," he said. "Just be natural and genuine."
"I'm not a big line kind of guy. If I try to do that, I'll end up screwing it up.
"When you're dealing with a smart, intelligent person, they'll see right though that," said Karls.
Being attentive is enough, he said. "Make sure you're catching every word. I think that's a big thing, when you remember things about them."
Chatting outside in the lanai underneath a table umbrella with a group of friends, Janalyn Kawato, 26, said cheesy lines are unappealing. "It's not very original," she said. "I like it when they treat you as a friend," she said.
Jack, who did not want his last name printed, said he was more fearless when approaching women at 20 than now, at 39. He said, "When you're older, you play it safer.
"It's always friendship first," he said, explaining that when you're young, you're a lot bolder. You're more quick to approach somebody.
Women share the worst lines they've ever heard. Strangely, no man would admit to using such lines: Been there, heard that:
"Excuse me, you dropped something, you dropped my heart." -- Keliana Saffery, 20
EVEN if you're not looking for a significant other, according to Dee Dee DeSoto, the world might be a friendlier place if there were more flirting going on. Flirting’s not all
about sex; it's more
about communicationWithin reason of course. Part of the reason flirting's been banned from offices, for instance, is because people have gone about it the wrong way, taking a sleazy, sexual approach.
It shouldn't have to be that way.
"Flirting is not about sex," said DeSoto, president of Kindred Hearts Hawaii, an activities and adventures service for singles. "It's about communication with other people, being a good listener, making the other person feel good about themselves."
Most people still think of flirting as a negative thing, said DeSoto. "People can use it for manipulation. Because it's been that way doesn't mean it has to be that way."
According to DeSoto, flirting can work for you, whether you're in the market for a job or simply dealing with a sales clerk who's having a bad day.
A sense of humor is important. "If you make people laugh or smile, they tend to remember you," she said.
Although the word "flirting" has developed risque connotations, she said it amounts to no more than practicing good social skills and manners.
Flirting can actually help people get along with others. A lot of times, she said, service workers are treated poorly. "We should treat others as equals," DeSoto said.
This change of attitude should start with getting rid of one's frown before leaving the house. "If we try to work on getting that wall down, we would be more approachable to other people," she said, recommending, "Always smile. A smile can really do a lot, and it's always nice to say 'thank you.' "
This could mean the difference between surly service or getting extra fries or free makeup samples.
Don't let others' sour moods or expressions get to you. Those who don't smile or act anti-social, are often doing it for their own protection, DeSoto said, out of a natural fear of strangers.
There are benefits to reaching out. The person you meet may turn out to be a valuable business contact or may just happen to have the name of a good mechanic.
"Be open but stay alert," she said. You don't want to reject anyone outright, but you also don't want to meet the next Ted Bundy.
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