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The Goddess Speaks
Editor's note: Today we break wid tradition to let dis guy speak coz once in a while, men get real human being thoughts, which this column is all about, even plenny guys still no get it, ask us for help wid their dating problems li' dat. Anyway, Lee, da po' ting, he get plenny Goddess friends and some no like associate wid him no more coz he not on their level. So we goin' elevate him to Honorary Goddess status, one-day only special. I am what I am,
only one man
I'M a man. So wot dat mean? Dat means dat I can nevah be one Goddess cuz bumbye all my friends going tease me. Dey going be all like, "Eh Lee, I know you Okinawan, but your legs kinda hairy ah, for one goddess?"
Should be "who cares wot oddah people tink," but I remembah growing up, we jus' cave in cuz-a da peer pressure, ah. High school time, wen me and da boyz used to go movies, we used to sit far way from each oddah if da theater wuzn't crowded, not cuz we wuz fighting or nahting, but jus' cuz we nevah like look gay.
And den, if five of us wuz going out, but chree guys wen cancel, so ony two guys wuz leff den da whole ting cancel brah, cuz d concern being dat if jus had two guys go out den might seem gay. Looking back ees kinda silly, but das how wuz. Gotta be manly. Gotta prove dat to eh-rybody. Gotta prove dat to ourselves.
Being one man is hod, brah cuz as one man I expeck-ed fo' live up to all da kine man kine stereotypes imposed upon us by all these norms of societal convention. My girlfriend, or ladyfriend as she likes to be called cuz she not one girl, she gets mad wenevah I cannot do da kine stuff like overhaul her car engine, fix her broken lap-top, or build one second story on top her cat house.
"But you supposed to know that kine stuff. You're a man," she reminds me.
I tell her "Get people y'know, people called mechanics, computer technicians and carpenters who dedicate years to learn stuff li'dat, so hakum I jus' supposed to, jus' expeck-ed to be born wit those kine skills?"
I guess deep down she's cool wit da fack dat I cannot fix hodly anyting. But recently, I wen amaze her li'dat, wen I wen change fo' her da lightbulb in her room. You would tink she would be all eternally grateful cuz at least can see now nighttime, but she all salty cuz aftah me and da boyz wen go spin da house around, her room no mo' da view of Pearl City Industrial Park anymore.
And I guess deep down, way deep, I'm OK wit da fack dat she needs one passport to visit da kitchen, cuz being in da kitchen is like being in one foreign country to her. She's pretty much proof-positive dat cooking ability is not one inherited characteristic cuz da mom can cook ono kine grines, but her, da ony ting she know how fo' cook is chicken, beef, shrimp, and original-flavor Ichiban saimin. But I guess I lucky cuz at least she no mo' da kine expensive kine taste buds. Oddahwise we'd be eating Shiro's saimin every day.
I'm a man. I still dunno wot dat means. Ees jus one label. Labels shouldn't limit people. We should do wot we like do. We should be who we like be. If Lee like be Goddess fo' a day, mo' powah to him.
He can go make all da lightning go strike his friends who wen tease him about his hairy legs. Dis mortal realm we live in is one challenging world, brah. Ees bad wen you get one society dat sez no can. And den to top it off you get friends who say no can. But da worse one is wen you, yourself start believing it.
Lee Tonouchi teaches English at Kapiolani Community College and is co-editor of Hybolics, a literary magazine.
The Goddess Speaks runs every Tuesday
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