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Honolulu Lite
AS I often do when I find myself idea-impaired, I recently turned to the Internet. On the Web: great
globs of greasy ...I can usually find something amusing in that vast digital world to write about. So I went to a search page and typed in the most amusing word that came to mind: "varmint." I figured the Internet must be loaded with amusing stories about small fuzzy animals. What I uncovered is a strange subculture that many in Hawaii will be stunned to learn of: organized varmint shooting.
The first Web site I discovered was a rifle store called "Velocity Plus" offering "Products built by varmint hunters for varmint hunters." It had to be a joke, but it wasn't.
I wasn't even sure what varmints were and here were entire companies dedicated to their destruction. Then I saw a picture of a varmint on the page: a small, furry creature sticking its head out of a hole in the ground. In other words, a ground hog or prairie dog; something along the gopher line. Apparently, they are such pests on the mainland that an enormous sporting industry has sprung up to kill them.
Velocity Plus makes a special varmint rifle that reduces recoil so "you can lay on the ground and shoot or shoot from the hood of your truck." (We aren't talking Lexus owners here.)
What good is a good varmint rifle without varmint bullets? The next web site was for the Starke Bullet Co.
"If the total annihilation of small critters at great range is your game, then Red Prairie Varmint Bullets are for you," the site boasts.
Next I visited Kinneman's Custom Products ("For all your varmint hunting-shooting needs.")
Dan, the owner, is a Wyoming hunting guide who specializes in varmint-killing products. "Look for me at Cactus Classic, Super Shoot and the Varmint Nationals," Dan advises.
THE Varmint Nationals? Ten minutes ago, I didn't know what a varmint was, now I find out there's a national varmint killing competition.
I was stunned. But I pressed forward and came across the Varmint Vapor Vestry. A vestry is a church storage room. The image of a church storage room filled with varmint vapor promised to be an unpleasant experience. I wasn't disappointed.
On a page titled Montana Mutt Misting was a picture of an actual varmint, as seen through the "remorselessly cold, unblinking optical eye of the Prairie Poodle Punisher."
The Prairie Poodle Punisher is a long, nasty looking rifle with a scope. In the second photo, the varmint mound has exploded in a cloud of dirt. The next picture shows parts of a presumed prairie dog in flight.
That was an appropriate entree to the next Web site, called "Chunks," where a socially conscious varmint hunter calling herself "Godzilla" waxed introspective.
Godzilla wrote: "There have been a lot of events creating controversy in recent years relating to the humanity of various types of varmint hinting." (I'm pretty sure she meant "varmint hunting." I can't see any humanity problems with varmint hinting.)
She lamented animal-rights whackos trying to wipe out her sport but admitted to an emailer, "I do not think it is in good taste to show pictures of exploded varmints on the Web."
The implication of all this interest in varmint shooting is clear. Hawaii must declare mongooses varmints and seek to hold the Varmint Nationals here. We'd fill the convention center and take care of the mongoose problem.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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