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Honolulu Lite
TAKE two joints and call me in the morning," the doctor said. Docs can now
take the high roadIs that two joints of Maui Wowie or two joints of homegrown? I asked.
"Depends," said the doctor. "Is the homegrown from the yard or indoor hydroponics and grow lights?"
It's from my cousin Clarence on the Big Island.
"Puna or Hilo?" asked the doctor.
Waimea, I said.
"Boy, that's tough," he said. "According to my unofficial street guide on marijuana potency, one joint of Puna Butter is equal to a joint and a half of anything from Hilo -- all that rain, you know. But I don't see any conversion data regarding Waimea pot. I suppose it would be something like Waianae Wacky Wacky Weed. Try one joint every four hours and a six-pack of Bud."
I don't know, Doc, I said. That's a lot of beer.
"Trust me," said the doctor. "As a registered chiropractor and massage theorist, I promise that a six-pack of beer will not pinch a nerve in your neck."
I don't have neck problems.
"See? It's working already."
It seems to me that you're just guessing at the amount of medical marijuana I should take. I mean, there's no standard-sized joint, is there? And what if I used a bong instead of rolling it? Would that affect how much I take?
He sighed. "Look," he said, "just keep smoking until the pain goes away."
Would you tell patients to just keep taking Valium until the pain goes away? I asked. Isn't it possible the patient might just "go away" in a deader than a doornail sense?
"Get off my back," he grumbled. "Doctors didn't ask for the medical marijuana law. We're doing the best we can. I could end up in a federal clink just giving you a prescription for the stuff. And you could go to jail just for buying it."
What are you talking about? I said. I thought it was legal.
"It's sort of legal," he countered.
What does that mean?
"It means you can smoke it if you got it. But if you haven't got it, you can't get it, legally, anyway."
What if I grow it from seeds?
"Buying the seeds is illegal, too. Where do you think marijuana seeds come from? Lei stands?"
Let me get this straight. You tell me to smoke pot to ease my pain. But it's illegal for me to buy it. I can grow it, but it's illegal for me to buy seeds. And if I do get my hands on some marijuana, there's no telling how big a dose I need to take because there's no way to measure potency. I may take too much or not enough.
"You got it," he said.
I thought the medical profession was supposed to be scientific? Isn't the first rule of the Hippocratic oath to "do no harm?" I asked.
"Sure," he said.
Well, what if I accidentally buy some marijuana laced with some kind of elephant tranquilizer and go into a coma?
"That would be a bummer, man," he said.
And isn't smoke bad for your lungs, whether it's tobacco or pot? I asked.
"I'm in sports medicine. What do I know about lungs?" he said. "You'd need to ask a specialist about that. I think they're called lungiatricians or something."
I don't know, I said. Bad trips. Possible arrest. Lung problems. Seems like a lot of trouble to go to just for a hangnail. I think I'll just take a couple of aspirin.
"In that case," he said. "Don't call me in the morning."
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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