Advertisement - Click to support our sponsors.
Honolulu Lite
I'M really disappointed in the progress of genetic engineering. Scientists have been fiddling with genes for decades now and the best they've come up with are vegetables that certain bugs don't want to eat, green mice and identical sheep. Geneticists need
to think smallHey, genetic scientists. Hellooo. Sheep already look alike. When you think of all the cool things that could be done with genetic engineering, it's really sad that the only thing we have to show for all the research are tomatoes so tough that you can play handball with them against the side of your house.
It's not widely known that I predicted the future of genetic research. I wrote a groundbreaking column for Omni magazine in 1986, years before most people could tell DNA from BMW.
The column was called "Little Cows," and it was a prophetic look at the world when designer food would be chic. My time-traveling alter-ego (as if one ego isn't enough) reported on the state of restaurant fare in the genetically enhanced future. Among his finds:
Little Cows, smaller than chicken drumsticks, standing on a wooden platter next to a bowl of teriyaki sauce.
The explorer of our genetic gastronomic future reported: "I had become addicted to little food. Just when I thought I had tried all the little food there was, I chanced upon a Japanese restaurant and sat down at the sushi bar. There they were, laying on a bed of ice! Northwest salmon the size of sardines, swordfish the size of anchovies along with Dungeness crab baked as crispy as popcorn and served by the bowlful as an appetizer."
Then the time traveler discovered the opposite end of the genetically engineered comestible market: Enlarged animals. USDA prime mouse steak from mice the size of horses. Gerbil roasts, chipmunk sirloin and a 25-pound stuffed, roasted hummingbird were all on the menu of the future.
I know what you're thinking. Hey, what is this, some clever way to fill a column using 14-year-old material? That hurts. I'm not saying you're wrong. But it still hurts. On the other hand, there are serious points to be made. Where is the little food genetic engineering promised so long ago? Where are the little cows? Where are the tiny broiled sheep? Where's the 15-foot long green bean?
When we agreed to let you scientists start fooling around with genetic engineering, we assumed that in 20 years, you'd come up with something more amusing than green mice. Sure, it's great that the University of Hawaii was in the forefront of cloning, but what can we do with green mice? At least if they glowed in the dark you could use them as pucks in a night hockey game. But they are just green.
What society needs are oranges the size of basketballs. That way, when you go to a restaurant and order a glass of OJ, they won't bring it to you in a thimble-sized glass. Or how about a genetically engineering lobster the size of car? That should bring the price down. Or why not develop coconut-size pistachios? Growers deliberately keep pistachios small and precious so they cost more.
Scientists need to focus their attention on the practical uses of genetic engineering. In the next five years, I expect to walk into a restaurant and order a nice, big, juicy hummingbird. And it better not be green.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
The Honolulu Lite online archive is at:
https://archives.starbulletin.com/lite