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Honolulu Lite
THE secret to success in life, as Oscar Wilde never said, is diversity. So that's why we're going to test out a new feature in this space which I think John F. Kennedy would approve: celebrity column writing. Celebrity writing
is all in the namesThe key to celebrity column writing, according to a source close to Arnold Schwarzenegger, is to put the names of famous people in boldface, so that they jump right off the page at readers. So,if fans of Christina Aguilera were reading this column, they'd immediately notice her name. See how the name Christina Aguilera just BURSTS off the page. Can't miss it. Now watch. Christina Aguilera. Where is it? I can't see it. Now watch. Christina Aguilera. Bang! There it is!
I got three Christina Aguileras (well, now four) in just two paragraphs. That's going to sell about 10,000 extra newspapers. Celebrities like Tom Cruise love to see their names in boldface in newspaper columns. It means they either still have a career or survived a bad accident. Agents for people like Janet Jackson get big bucks for getting her name in the columns. They get even more money for keeping their clients' names OUT of the columns. Like, Ryan O'Neal's agent has a full-time job keeping his client's name out of the columns because the item usually involves Farrah Fawcett and a black eye.
Actor Patrick Swayze is another wild man who doesn't particularly like to see his name in the columns. Just last week he crashed his own plane on an Arizona street, something Sen. John McCain would never have done. McCain would have crashed it on George W. Bush.
A lot of actors, like has-been David Carradine, are jealous of people who get their names in the columns all the time. Carradine is still pretending he's a Chinese kung fu expert, even though he's like, 97 years old, not Chinese and his best punch couldn't knock over Pee Wee Herman. Besides, he stole the idea for the television show "Kung Fu" from Bruce Lee, who was portrayed in "Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story" by local actor Jason Scott Lee (no relation).
I'll bet Hawaii singer Hoku Ho is jealous that I mentioned Christina Aguilera four times (now five!). Don't worry, Hoku Ho. I know it's important to promote local stars, Hoku Ho. In fact, Hoku Ho, I'm very afraid of your daddy Don Ho. He's got important friends like Big Island rancher Larry Mehau. Hoku Ho, I think you're great. Hoku Ho. There, now, Hoku Ho, you're way ahead of Christina What's-her-name. Make sure you tell pops.
John Wayne would tell you that writing a celebrity column isn't as easy it looks. But he can't because he's dead. The first rule of celebrity column writing is to ignore dead people, like Marlon Brando. All right, Brando isn't technically dead, but if he eats one more Big Mac he's going to explode. I started off the column with TWO dead people just to make a point. Don't do it. Oscar Wilde might have been quite a card when he was breathing, but he doesn't sell any papers at room temperature. Janis Joplin, ditto. When you see three dead celebrities mentioned like John Belushi, Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain followed by the name of a celebrity you thought was still alive, watch out. It's not going to be happy news.
Well, as another local entertainer, Jim Nabors would say, "Gollllly, we've finished our first Honolulu Lite celebrity column!" (Technically, Nabors followed those three dead guys, but Jim is still alive. I saw him on TV with Carol Burnett just last week. He looked great.)
By the way, did I mention Hoku Ho?
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
The Honolulu Lite online archive is at:
https://archives.starbulletin.com/lite