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Support group helps
By Pat Gee
people cope with the
death of a beloved pet
Star-BulletinScott first noticed something was wrong when Pepper didn't wolf down his leftovers, sniffing at them half-heartedly before turning away.
"She must have eaten something bad she picked up in the neighborhood," he thought of his scavenging poi dog. But when she didn't give him her welcome-home dance the next day, Scott was alarmed.
Within 24 hours Pepper became one of 38 dogs poisoned to death by Paraquat-soaked meat thrown about Scott's subdivision. He said the heartbreak he experienced was worse than what he felt when his father died.
Pepper was more than just a dog to Scott and his wife. She was the first pet they had raised from a baby during their first seven years of marriage. She was like their child; they did everything together.
Scott's story is typical of those shared at the Hawaiian Humane Society's Pet Loss Support Group, which helps people cope with the death of a cherished pet.
In death, "the depth of the human-animal bond is clearly exposed," said Sally Rall, a community and family counselor. People of all ages have told her, "'My dog was my son'; 'My cat was my friend' -- not like my son, or like my friend. They've said things like, 'I'm single; my dog was my partner; we were dependent on each other,'" she recalled.
Like Scott, "Experiencing an animal's death is worse than the death of a human relationship" to some people, Rall said. One of the most hurtful things to say in trying to comfort someone who's lost a beloved pet is, "Oh, you can always get another one," she said.
Rall has facilitated the support group, which meets once a month, as a volunteer since 1996, a year after the death of her poodle, Patrick, the family "leader."
She said her primary role at support-group meetings is to listen and encourage people to "talk story," though some don't talk; they just cry or listen.
"Most of the time, the group forms a life of its own," she said. "The members help each other out. It's incredible."
On average, about four people attend each meeting, although occasionally, there have been as many as eight. Most usually return a few times; some only come once. "Every group is different," Rall said.
One thing she keeps watch for is someone who is so grief-stricken that suicide becomes a possibility. Rall makes sure he or she gets help.
People often philosophize about life and death and say, "I know my pet's in a better place." While Rall may not call it heaven, "I am absolutely of the belief that animals continue to live. All animals are transformed into another way of being."
No matter what their religious or ethnic backgrounds, people who are intimately attached to their pets often have "metaphysical experiences" of seeing or hearing their pet and say things like, "'I heard his collar jingle'; 'I heard my cat meow'; 'I saw my pet,'" Rall recounted.
People experience this phenomenon when a person dies, too, and "whether it's a trick of the brain or a metaphysical experience, that's OK -- that's how a person is comforting themselves," she said.
"The group is kind enough not to challenge it. The point is to support a positive belief system."
One man at a group session said knowing when it is the right time to get another pet is "like falling in love: It will come to you," she said.
Rall is currently on a break to pursue a doctorate degree but is available for consultation at 235-0165. The support group, now led by Rosemarie Grigg, meets 6:30-7:30 p.m., the first Tuesday of every month at the Hawaiian Humane Society. Call 946-2187, ext. 217, for information.
