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Honolulu Lite
THE Surfrider Foundation recently came up with the top 10 "urban beaches" in the country and the best Honolulu could do was place second. This beach list
is a washoutWaikiki Beach came in behind Miami's South Beach, which, for the record, is ridiculous.
The wire story I read didn't say what criteria were used to judge the beaches other than to say that they represent places where cities and "desirable beaches" coincide.
"Desirable" is a murky word, especially when it comes to beaches. To surfers, desirability depends on the presence of good surf. To a mother in a hot car filled with screaming kids, a desirable beach would be the first one with an open parking spot.
But let's just assume the Surfrider Foundation used some general conditions of desirability, like accessibility, cleanliness, scenic appeal and babe/stud oglebility.
No way that South Beach could beat out Waikiki on those or just about any other points you could name.
In light of its name, Surfrider should have noticed, for instance, that Waikiki has some of the best surfing in the country. When a wave in Miami gets over three feet, it's considered a tsunami.
And if we're talking "urban beaches," then any beach in Honolulu, from Hanauma Bay to Diamond Head to Ala Moana Beach Park would have to be considered. And any of those would kick Miami's butt. At least you can go to Ala Moana in the summer and not burst into flames. South Florida is like an enormous sauna filled with mosquitoes, chiggers and savage invisible biting gnats.
OBVIOUSLY, something else was going on in choosing the best urban beaches other than rating their quality. Let's look at the entire list of finishers: 1. Miami; 2. Honolulu; 3. Panama City Beach, Fla.; 4. Santa Barbara, Calif.; 5. Newport Beach, Calif.; 6. Myrtle Beach, S.C.; 7. South Padre Island, Texas; 8. Cape May, N.J.; 9. Santa Cruz, Calif.; and 10. Seaside Beach, Ore.
I've been to six out of the 10 and I'll tell you, just about any four-foot stretch of sand on Oahu could beat them.
Seaside Beach? It's pretty, in a rugged, freezing hurricane sort of way. I went surfing there once many years ago and there are parts of my body that still haven't defrosted.
Cape May? In the summer, you need a shoehorn to find a spot between bodies on the brownish sand. In the winter, it has all the lovely freezing weather of Seaside, without the charm.
Newport Beach? Forgetaboutit. Trashy, touristy and treacherous. Hand your valuables to the nearest pack of kids because they're going to get them as soon as you turn your back anyway.
Santa Cruz is OK if you don't mind dressing up like a rubber walrus to get in the water. Although, after surfing Seaside, Santa Cruz seemed downright toasty. Didn't even have to wear wetsuit gloves!
Panama City is one big pink conch shell and key-chain mall. There is plenty of snow-white sand, but you have to walk across islands of jellyfish to find a clear place to swim.
Let's not even talk about Texas, unless you're into oil derricks in the water and belching refineries on the land.
Obviously, Surfrider picked a beach in each geographical area of the country in order to assure maximum media coverage and push its message of beach conservation. That's a laudable goal, but their politically correct list is a credibility wipeout.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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