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Honolulu Lite
REACTION to my suggestion that the Navy name a couple of missile-armed destroyers the "USS Howzit Brah?" and the "USS What? Bodda You?" was swift and savage. An e-mail attack
on USS IdiotAngry nuclear-tipped e-mails rained down on my computer from the cyber sky. Boy, when you tick off the doves, they turn ferocious.
"You're an idiot," said one peacemonger. "Hawaii is the land of aloha and its culture, language and symbols should not be associated in any way with the machinery of war. You don't deserve to live here."
"War isn't funny," said another peacenik. "And neither are you."
Now THAT one hurt.
Anyway, who said anything about war? I was talking about attack submarines and destroyers. In my book, those are tools of peace. The Cold War would have turned hot overnight if the United States didn't have all those submarines prowling the oceans. And the threat of military retaliation is what usually keeps knuckleheads like Libya's Moammar Gadhafi from invading his neighbors. Even Iraq's resident madman Saddam Hussein probably wouldn't have attacked Kuwait if he hadn't gotten a wink and nod from some U.S. diplomat assuring him that the U.S. Navy wouldn't intervene.
The thing that has some local folks upset is the recent naming of an attack submarine the "USS Hawaii." There already were two other submarines named the "USS Honolulu" and the "USS Kamehameha." Letters-to-the-editor yowled that associating such war machines with Hawaii is inappropriate because it goes against the islands' "spirit of aloha."
I think naming an attack submarine after Kamehameha is appropriate. In today's lingo you would call him a "uniter, not a divider." Except he united by whupping major buttootsky. When Kamehameha showed up on the shores of your island, you knew it wasn't going to be a pleasant day.
If you are going to name fighting machines after Hawaii stuff, I think you should at least be ironic about it. That's why I think it would be cool to have a battle ship, aircraft carrier or destroyer named the "USS Howzit Brah?" or "USS What? Bodda You?"
Just imagine the "USS Howzit Brah?" appearing in the Persian Gulf, a big "shaka" sign painted on its bow, the next time Hussein steps out of line. The "Howzit Brah?" unleashes a brace of cruise missiles wiping out all of Saddam's brand new multi-zillon dollar palaces. Now THAT's irony.
It's sort of like when my lovebird "Sweety" races up to my dog Boomer, says "kiss, kiss" and then savagely bites the dog on the nose. Triple irony there: "lovebird, Sweety and kiss, kiss." I don't know who taught her to say "kiss, kiss," but it was someone with a wicked sense of humor.
How about an aircraft carrier named the "USS Kiss, Kiss?" That badboy would keep the peace. Last thing some aggressive dictator is going to want to see it the "Kiss, Kiss" on his doorstep. ("We are having zee bad news, your highness. Zee ship in the harbor is zee keese keese. We are about to be having zee bad smackeroo.")
Now some people aren't going to think that's funny. And I'll be hearing from them. Luckily, their hostile email missives are easy to spot. They generally start off with "Hey Moron" or "To Mr. Stupidhead." Which is fine to me. I just hope they don't send that new e-mail computer virus out there called "I Love You" which, if you open it, fries your computer. That kind of irony, I don't need.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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