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The Goddess Speaks
WHEN I was a child I was ashamed to tell anyone I was Chinese because most of my elementary school classmates were Japanese. But my rice bowl haircut could not hide my heritage. As a child the awkwardness of not fitting in can be devastating so I would stress to my classmates that yes, I was half Chinese, but half Japanese as well. Reclaiming
Chinese heritageEven through high school, I heard the whispers about how pretty all the Japanese girls were. This rang through my mind every time I filled out an application or survey that asked for, "Ethnicity? Please check one." I'd always check the box that said Japanese, with the insane idea that it would somehow transform me into one of "them."
It was only within the last seven years or so, that I began to realize that our ethnicity alone does not make us who we are. Yet, it is a part of us that we cannot, and should not, deny. Now, when I walk down the streets of Chinatown, I remember the days when my grandparents would take me there to go shopping. At the age of 5, it is hard to appreciate how much culture exists in such a small place. I long for those days now.
In recent years, I've been more positive in my search for an ethnic identity. I was curious to learn about my grandparents' lives in China and when they first arrived in Hawaii, and while they aren't the most candid people in the world, I've shared with them some priceless conversations. The idea that I was not only Japanese, but Chinese as well, started to take shape.
BY participating in the Narcissus Festival Pageant this year, I have had the opportunity to learn even more about my Chinese heritage. Being crowned 1st Princess was a dream come true for me because, although I had already begun to identify myself as being primarily Chinese (here's my sociology background kicking in), it was the pivotal moment where I told the world that I was Chinese and proud of it.
Two of my best friends, one who happened to be the 47th Cherry Blossom Queen, and the other, the current Cherry Blossom 1st Princess, both told me that I could participate in the Cherry Blossom pageant because the event organizers changed the blood quantum level last year to being only half vs. 100 percent Japanese.
I told my friends that even if I hadn't placed on the 2000 Narcissus Court, I still wouldn't compete for the Cherry Blossom title, because it wouldn't be me. I was raised in a household that practiced Chinese traditions. Even so, I have not forgotten my Japanese roots, nor do I plan to.
Because I was born and raised in Hawaii, I know little of what life is like outside our state. I have only been out of Hawaii once, to Las Vegas (not an accurate representation of the mainland I hear), so I am somewhat naive in the sense that I have never been made to feel like a minority.
Maybe it's ignorant optimism on my part, but I feel that women -- whether we are Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Filipino, or of other origin -- can be whatever we choose to be. I do not believe in fate or destiny because I hold to the ideal that we have control over our lives, and can use this control to overcome adversity.
And although we stress the idea of being colorblind toward one another, we must not forget who we are and where we came from.
Kathryn Kam recently earned the
title of 51st Narcissus 1st Princess.
The Goddess Speaks runs every Tuesday
and is a column by and about women, our strengths, weaknesses,
quirks and quandaries. If you have something to say, write it and
send it to: The Goddess Speaks, the Honolulu Star-Bulletin, P.O.
Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802, or send e-mail
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