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Honolulu Lite
I recently spent several minutes conducting an in-depth investigation of Internet on-line chat rooms and came to the conclusion that if this is the best we can do with new technology, maybe we should go back to using pencils. Chat enough to
make you cry out loudSeveral minutes may not seem a long enough period to conduct a thorough investigation but, trust me, when you are wallowing among the brain-dead who inhabit chat rooms, it is an eternity. After monitoring the mindless piffle masquerading as clever conversation for merely 2 minutes you are ready to plunge a small blade into your chest. But as an investigative humorist, it was my duty to hang in there for 5 or 6 more minutes, which in computer chat-room time is equal to several long, agonizing months.
To be honest, I didn't go to one of the sex-chat sites. They are out there. But if I want to see raunchy, lurid, pornographic writing flitter across my computer screen, I'll write it myself. At least I'd be getting quality. I wanted to see what people normally talk about in the chat rooms. The answer is: they talk about mostly nothing.
First, for those of you who do not go online, I'd better explain what chat rooms are. They are places you find on web portal sites like Lycos and CompuServe that allow people to converse by typing messages. The rooms are generally categorized by interests like sports, recreation or relationships so relationship bores don't have to be bored by sports bores.
MY investigation revealed that 90 percent of the time in these wholesome chat rooms is taken up by either saying "hi" to people joining the conversation or sending hugs to people leaving the room. Another 5 percent of time is taken up by conversants explaining where they were before they arrived, where they are going after they leave or who was in the room earlier.
You'd think these chat rooms would be a place where anyone, no matter what race, size, color or breath odor would be equal. You'd be wrong. The other 5 percent of time is used to criticize people (usually newbies) who aren't cool enough to be in the conversation or who don't understand the code. A lot of the conversation is in code because if people talked like they do in 3D, they'd be booted out of the chat room.
Here's an example of typical chat-room chatter:
Shameless: Hi room.Fascinating isn't it? LOL, by the way, stands for laughing out loud. There's much laughing out loud during the chattering, although I didn't see what was so funny. There are also lots of hugs, kisses and bye-byes. It's like being stuck in an "Ozzie and Harriet in Hell" episode.
Angel: Hi shame.
Bunkster: Hi shame.
Shameless: Hi Bunk.
Angel: Where you been, Shame?
Shameless: Busy.
(Mr. Right4U enters room)
Mr. Right4U: Any of you cool ladeeez want to go 1 on 1?
Bunkster: Hi Angel.
Angel: Hi Bunky.
Mr. Right4U: I'm soooooo HOT tonight, gals.
(Chattily Lace enters room)
Chattily Lace: Hi all.
Angel: Hi Chants. LOL
Bunkster: Take a hike, Mr. R.
Chattily Lace: LOL
Shameless: Doncha hate newbies?
Angel: LOL.
(Mr. Right4U leaves room.)It would seem that these chat rooms are a waste of perfectly good electrons. But they do serve a purpose. These people spend their entire lives at their keyboards, alone in their rooms, making chit-chat with complete strangers all over the country. Be thankful they aren't walking the streets.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
The Honolulu Lite online archive is at:
https://archives.starbulletin.com/lite