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Honolulu Lite
TODAY'S subject is toilets, which we will try to discuss with a certain level of dignity and grace, although the odds of pulling that off are pretty long. Getting to the bottom
of privy problemsI received a letter from Betty Cooper of Princeton, N.J., who reads Honolulu Lite religiously on the Internet, which says something sort of sad about Princeton.
"My husband the carpenter and I were sitting around reading the other night," Betty wrote. "He was reading the 'Journal of Light Construction' and when he got to this article he said, 'Hey, Charley Memminger has to see this!'"
The accompanying article concerned efforts by toilet manufacturers to improve the flushing action of toilets. It's nice to know that at this point in my career, when people across the country stumble upon an article on toilets, my name immediately pops to mind.
Anyway, it turns out that getting toilets to flush properly is a controversial subject in the toilet-related industries. The problem is that the federal government, apparently in order to embrace specific constitutional concerns of our forefathers regarding the handling of body waste, has mandated that toilets cannot hold more than 1.6 gallons of water.
Actually, the purpose of the federal law was to save water. So the brains in Washington came up with the figure 1.6 gallons, which is just enough water to not quite flush the average bulky discharge. The result, of course, is that we have to flush at least twice, using more water than in the old days.
THE American Society of Mechanical Engineers is tasked with coming up with flushing performance standards for toilets, which is something I'll bet you've never thought about before. The problem -- and this is where the discussion gets a little delicate -- is finding suitable "material" to use to test flushing capabilities. Obviously, you can't use the real thing, since you'd run into production problems, not to mention the issue of standardization.
"For years," the article states, "toilet testers have been on the lookout for the ideal artificial (fecal material)."
The engineers society has settled on using 3/4-inch plastic balls and smaller granules. Critics, however, say the balls don't represent actual field use because they float. To adequately represent real flushing capacity, according to one researcher, "you need two types (of test material), what we call sinkers and floaters."
So there's this big argument going on in the lavatory world about whether to use the plastic balls or a radical new concept involving sponges and craft paper.
In the meantime, engineers at a Japan toilet manufacturer use miso in their tests.
"We adjust the miso so that it has the same density and viscosity of human waste," one researcher announced, which has to make the miso makers awfully happy. It's great to know that with a little tweaking, your food product looks just like, well, you know.
The bottom line, so to speak, is that testing with more realistic material is proving what we all know: Most 1.6-gallon toilets can't handle the load.
Toilet designers and manufacturers bristle at such criticism.
"When it comes to 1.6-gallon toilets, some people have an attitude problem," sniffed one toilet maker.
No, sir, attitude has nothing to do with it. When it comes to toilet performance, the proof is in the pudding. Or at least the miso.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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