Advertisement - Click to support our sponsors.

Monday
Evening QB

By Dave Reardon

Monday, March 6, 2000

---

Poor, poor
pitiful Longhorns

TO: DeLoss Dodds, Athletic Director
University of Texas-Austin
PO Box 7399
Austin, Texas, 78713.
(512) 471-5757.

Dear Mr. Dodds,

Please find enclosed $1.

I read about the financial plight of your fine institution, the University of Texas athletic department, and have decided to send you some cash so that you might have enough money for both new jockstraps and a trip to Hawaii.

I am asking all my friends and relatives and readers to also send donations to help you honor your commitment and come to Hawaii to play the Rainbows' football team on Sept. 2.

If we all dig deep and pitch in, I think we can raise that 300 or 400 grand you need to get your team here and back.

Please don't be surprised, however, if, in addition to a few dead presidents, you also receive some deceased rats and cockroaches.

Unfortunately, not everyone is into sarcasm, especially when it costs money.

Folks 'round these parts aren't real happy with y'all right about now. They're not buying your "Big hat, no cattle" tale of woe.

YOU see, we may be on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, but we know your athletic department has one of the largest budgets around, and that a trip to Hawaii won't bankrupt you -- it didn't five years ago.

You did pretty well on the field the last time you were here, beating Hawaii, 38-17, in the coming out party of a freshman running back named Ricky Williams.

Maybe your team isn't in as good shape as it was then. We saw your quarterback, Major Applewhite, get injured in the Cotton Bowl, and hear that he might not be 100 percent by September. It's also said that Chris Simms doesn't perform like his dad, Phil.

But is it really that bad that you're afraid to play a UH team that sustained huge losses to graduation, including the heart of the defense, most of the offensive line and record-setting quarterback Dan Robinson?

Yes, the Rainbows made the greatest turnaround in the history of college football last season, but they did it against a rather mediocre schedule.

Remember, UH played a marquee opponent, like yourself, to open last season -- and was blitzed, 62-7, by USC.

Well, if you insist it really is the money thing, here's an idea.

Last I recall, we have quite a few guys from here living in your state in, for lack of a better term, forced confinement.

We could suit those fellas up, "The Longest Yard" style, and still have a Hawaii-Texas game.

Maybe not.

I guess you'd still have some explaining to do to the players you recruited by telling them they'd get to go to Hawaii.

Oh, and don't forget all those boosters who bought non-refundable tour packages.

But hey, that's life when you have to operate on a shoestring budget, right?

I guess there's no other option but to help you find the funds to Book 'Em (charter flights, that is) Horns.

We've got a good six months, so anything's possible.

We could hold car washes and sell baked goods. We could sell chili tickets (ours is pretty good, too).

On your end, you could auction off some Earl Campbell memorabilia.

Whatever you decide, Mr. Dodds, please return Hugh Yoshida's phone calls. Courtesy doesn't cost a penny.

And I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you call collect, considering your situation.

Sincerely,

Dave

---

Dave Reardon, who covered sports in Hawaii from 1977 to 1998,
moved to the the Gainesville Sun, then returned to
the Star-Bulletin in Jan. 2000.
E-mail dreardon@starbulletin.com