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Honolulu Lite
LOVE was in the air and in the newspapers this week as hundreds of people paid to publicly lavish their valentines with love and occasionally downright weird expressions of affection. Love is in the air
and in the adsThe venue was the annual classifieds section called Valentine Love Lines, where several hundred people chose to shower their lovelings with unbridled amour. I'm probably the only person in Honolulu who actually read every single one of the tributes, which, frankly, was kind of tough going. It was kind of like wading neck-deep into a Hallmark shop flooded with syrup.
But amid the "roses are red, guavas are green" kind of poetry and declarations of love so extreme they would make Romeo seem like a Mafia hit man, were nuggets of gold.
Like the guy who wrote to his sweetie: "I just saw you but I sure do miss you a lot. I can still see you in the pirate outfit. You sure made a cute & sexy pirate." Hey, man, how about a photo?
The most bizarre love ad came from "Princess" to her "Slaveboy," which used words I'm not even allowed to run in this column. You'll have to use your imagination to fill in the blanks.
"Slaveboy, You are the greatest. I don't know what I did to ever deserve a two-(deleted) smelling, $100 stealing, f--ting, mentally ill, always cr---ing, napping, WSJ reading, CNBC watching, train-making, abusive seventy-year-old freak like you ... You! I love always, Princess."
I'm not sure what's going on there but I think it would make a pretty good movie.
IT is interesting to see what pet names are in vogue. Here are some of the favorites: Big Handsome Slap-Dancer, Pooky, Piggy, Precious, Lefty, Tiger, Tweety, Sweety, Sunshine, Sugar Pie, Sugar Bear, Pooh Bear, Hunkee Doree, Butterbuns, Honey Bunch, Honey Girl, Fishyman, Krusty, Love Clown, Marshmallow, Cookie Monster and Wubbie.
Some of the ads were in code, which doesn't seem fair. I mean, if you're going to declare your love to the world in print, you should at least give details.
One ad said, "Chompa, My Nibblas ache for you." Nibblas? They sound fascinating.
Then there was "Rossun, Waiting 4 U 2 come home. U owe me BEEG-TIME." See? We need details, details!
A creative lovestruck person wrote, "All I can say is that I love you this ------------ much." She gets extra points for paying for all those dashes but they only amounted to about an inch and a half, so the ad might have had the unintended effect of minimalizing the scope of her affection.
Some ads were zany, like "Mad Blonde desires slightly mental Gecko Man 2 B her Millennium Valentine."
Some were touching, like "Herm, after being married for 60 years, my one regret is that I didn't marry you sooner." Like, when, in elementary school?
Some were kind of harsh: "Krusty, If I don't win the Vegas trip, then this is your Valentine's Day gift."
Some hinted at former bad times: "Dale, I love you! Let's try everything over. It'll be better this time."
And some expressed unrequited love: "Barbara, Thanks for being my friend. I wish there was more to it."
It is somehow inspiring that so many people are so deeply in love that they are willing to expose their most private feelings to the world. The fact that they are also helping pay my salary is pretty cool, too.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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