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A couple of times a year, I like to browse women's magazines to get a quick take on what women are talking about -- specifically, what they're saying about men. It gives good warning of future grief. A few pennies
for women’s thoughtsThe first story that caught my eye this time was a piece on what Meg Ryan did to get happy. From the first dozen paragraphs before my eyes glazed over, it seems the answer is that she cut her hair. Geez, if that's all it takes, I should be deliriously joyful.
Ryan and her husband Dennis Quaid are among Hollywood's current hot couples, along with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, Winona Ryder and Matt Damon, Carey Lowell and Richard Gere, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas and, of course, the venerable Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise.
I don't know who some of these people are and none had anything to say that was interesting or useful to me, but the articles answered a question that has long perplexed me: How do women seem to know to whom every celebrity on the planet is married?
I can't count how many times I've asked something like, "Who is this Julia Roberts?" only to be answered, "She's the one who used to be married to Lyle Lovett and now she's dating the guy who used to be in 'Law and Order.' " Geez.
Women like romance in movies. One article rated the kisses from such chick flicks as "Shakespeare in Love" and "Pretty Woman."
That's really not so different from men, who also are interested in romance on screen. I remember when some men's magazine threw its support behind more informative movie ratings by proposing that ratings be more specific about nudity in films -- i.e., who will be nude and what will be revealed. They quoted some guy grousing, "I spend two hours watching a movie because they say there will be nudity and all I get to see is some guy's hairy butt. Geez."
Women seem to be talking a lot about pregnancy these days. One of the articles debunked the false Internet rumor that the soft drink Mountain Dew is a contraceptive. That would have been a handy bit of information to put in the previous month's cover story: "Oops! How did I get pregnant?"
I was interested to read that pregnancy sometimes "turns off" multiple sclerosis, the disease that is my burden. Hmm, I wonder if you actually have to be pregnant or if you can get protection by merely contributing to the pregnancy.
An article listing the most important inventions of the 20th century included washing machines, vacuum cleaners, electric irons, refrigerators, brassieres, sanitary napkins, dishwashers, frozen foods, disposable diapers and pantyhose.
Yeah, right. A men's list wouldn't have included any of those things except maybe refrigerators and frozen pizza. How could their list have missed La-Z-Boy recliners, TV remote controls, Styrofoam beer coolers, electric golf carts, power screwdrivers and ESPN?
A final article in one magazine revealed the existence of the U-spot, a rival of the previously announced but difficult to locate G-spot as a center of female pleasure.
The U-spot was described as being just above one body part and just below another. The problem is that "above" and "below" are relative terms that depend on the orientation of the target body, which wasn't specified. Women always complain that men never ask for directions. Would it kill them to provide a map once in awhile?
Geez.
David Shapiro is managing editor of the Star-Bulletin.
He can be reached by e-mail at editor@starbulletin.com.
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