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Honolulu Lite
FIGURING out the effect all these pesky tourists have on Hawaii's environment is long overdue. So, it's a good thing the Sierra Club is suing the state to stop the Hawaii Tourism Authority from its madcap plans to try to get more tourists to come here. Tourists are a
dangerous speciesA tourism environmental impact statement has never been done, but it can't be any more complicated than counting bunnies in a field and figuring out how many are going to be snuffed out when the new mall goes in.
One way to start would be to stop tourists when they get off the plane and ask them just what their greedy, environment-destroying plans are for our precious state.
I picture an agent from the Hawaii Tourism Environmental Impact Strike Force forcing a tourist against the wall at the baggage claim area.
Agent: Drop the bag, punk. What's that around your neck?
Tourist: A plumeria lei. Someone just gave it to me.
Agent: A lei, eh? So, you're already raping our plumeria trees. Do you know the impact of millions of tourists on our precious trees? There are flowers being savagely ripped off just so you can wear them around your haole white neck?
Tourist: Uh, no.
Agent: Well, it's bad. Now, what do you plan to do while you're here?
Tourist: Just go to the beach, play golf ... maybe hike a little bit. The usual tourist stuff.
Agent: Usual tourist stuff, eh? You scum bag. You'll slather yourself up with sunblock and then get in the ocean, putting out an oil slick. Multiply that by a coupla thousand and you got an Exxon Valdez crashing into Waikiki Beach.
Tourist: What if we just sight-see?
Agent: I suppose you'll want to rent a car?
Tourist: Sure.
Agent: Sure! Put one more car on our already overcrowded highways. One more car spewing exhaust into our precious air. You have a few days of fun while the people of our state are left gagging.
Tourist: We'll take the bus.
Agent: Hah! That's worse. Tourists hogging all the seats on the bus so that our citizens have to stay home and the economy is ruined.
Tourist: How about if we walk?
Agent: You are slime, aren't you? What, you never heard of ants? Do you know how many ants you're gonna kill walking around on our precious sidewalks? Not to mention cockroaches and centipedes. They have a right to life, too, you murderer.
Tourist: What if we just stay at the hotel and play golf?
Agent: Do you have any idea what the chemical run-off from golf courses does to our precious water supply? We've got kids with three heads being born next to golf courses.
Tourist: We'll just stay in the room and order room service.
Agent: Sure, and have the air conditioner cranked up to max while your lanai door is wide open. You know what the blast of cold air does to flying insects trying to survive in the hotel lanai ecosystem? We have more endangered insect species than anywhere on Earth. One blast of cold air and you could wipe out the entire gene line of two or three species.
Tourist: OK. You win. We're going home right now. Mind if we just sit over there until the plane is turned around. We won't do anything but breathe.
Agent: Breathe? Now you want to BREATHE our air? Do you know what happens when all you selfish tourists BREATHE OUR AIR? You put foreign germs in our precious air space ...
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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