Our great leaders
vow to change
I sent the crack Honolulu Lite Investigative Humorist Strike Force into the community to root out New Year's Resolutions by various community leaders and community followers, for that matter. The HLIH Strike Force isn't the most reliable outfit in the world. Last time I sent it out to gather information, it hunkered down in Club Buy Me for a week and spent its entire bribery budget on beer and broads. So, you might want to take the following information with a grain of salt, a squeeze of lime and a shot of tequila.
Report: New Years Resolutions by Various Community Leaders and Community Followers, for that matter:
OHA Trustee Mililani Trask: I resolve to try to get along better with a certain U.S. Senator and will attempt to make amends with said senator by pushing for the construction of a Hawaiian gambling casino complete with a Daniel K. Inouye Memorial One-Armed Bandit Slot Machine Parlor.
Republican Party Chair Linda Lingle: I resolve to try to make new friends of at least 5,000 people in the year 2000, which, had I done so a couple of years ago, would make me governor right now, damn it.
Former Bishop Estate Trustee Lokelani Lindsey: I resolve to try to stay at least 500 feet away from any court house for at least three days in a row next year because the judges hate me and every time I get near a court house, my bank account hemorrhages money like a, uh ... money-hemorrhaging bank account kind of thing.
Republican state Sen. Sam Slom: I resolve to go from being a small businessman to a extra-large businessman, then change parties and get appointed to legislative committees that give you so much power that voters haul campaign money into your office by the wheelbarrow load, which allows you to run for higher office, get more money and become an even bigger extra-large businessman and eventually take over the world. Or, if that doesn't happen, I'll be happy just to break even.
OHA Board of Trustees: We, the united, respectful, fully cooperative and new-and-improved board of the Office of Hawaiian affairs duly resolve to ... (resolution sent back to committee for more argument).
Lt. Gov. Mazie Hirono: I resolve in 2000 to figure out what the freakin' point of the office of lieutenant governor is. I'm like wallpaper here. Ben came in the other day with a mop and pail and said, "Here, make yourself useful!" Then went out laughing. Well, ha, ha. How can I run for governor when Cayetano's dog gets more press than I do? This job really sucks.
City Councilman Mufi Hannemann: I resolve to, hey, who cares? I've been dumped from council chairman, stripped of my committee posts. Next thing you know, Jon Yoshimura will be taking away my parking space and banishing me to that crummy office in the tower. What a jerk.
City Council Chairman Jon Yoshimura: I resolve in 2000 to take away Mufi's parking space and banish him to that crummy office in the tower.
City Councilman John Henry Felix: I resolve to not only continue conducting weddings at my beachfront house, but also the occasional funeral. You think Japanese tourists love American-style weddings? Just wait 'til they get a load of a real American-style funeral. What? There's some law against burying people in your own back yard, too?
U.H. Football Coach June Jones: Resolution? I don't need no stinkin' resolution. But a couple more receivers would be nice!
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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