Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Friday, December 10, 1999

Jingle bell time’s a
swell time to rhyme

NATIONAL newspaper columnists bylaws REQUIRE that columnists write one Christmas column in the form of a poem. With apologies to everyone concerned, mostly you poor readers, here it is:

A Very Clinton Christmas

By Charles Memminger
(Copyright 1999 - so watch it.)


'TWAS the night before Christmas
All through the White House
Not a creature was stirring
Not even First Spouse.

She had decamped the West Wing
At the Big Apple's hark
Leaving Bill sipping eggnog
Alone (yeah, right) in the dark

Soon stockings were hung
On the chimneys sans care
As well as some nighties
And lace underwear

Then up on the roof
Came a soft, muffled clatter
Hillary was back!
Time for bimbos to scatter!

Bill began hiding interns
With feverish glee
He stuck one in a closet
One under the tree

He put one in the kitchen
Two or three in the head
He squeezed several more
Under Abe Lincoln's bed

Out in the Rose Garden
He stashed five in the bushes
Got six in the guard shack
After several hard pushes

Only one intern left!
But she was giganta
With no options left
Bill dressed her as Santa

HILLARY snuck in the room
To spring her bold trap!
Just to find Bill calmly seated
In this Santa broad's lap

"All I want for Christmas,"
Bill confided to Kringle
"Is Hillary in Congress,
Though I'll hate to be single."

"I never deserved her,
Yet she stuck by my side,
Through thin, thick and thicker
When I fibbed, scammed and lied

"Her heart's made of gold,
She's a wonderful mother
Got brain cells galore
Knows the law like no other.

"If possible, Santa,
could I have one more chance?"
He turned his head slightly,
sneaking Hillary a glance.

She stood in the shadows,
And what should appear?
A speck on her right cheek,
Could that be a tear?

She walked in the light,
Said "Come here you big lug,"
He sheepishly got up
And gave her a hug

Then over Bill's shoulder
A sight made her pause
There was something amiss
About this Mr. Claus

She knew that most Santas
Had beards and red vests
But this one had high heels!
And lipstick! And BREASTS!

As Hillary flew off
In a lawyer-pulled carriage
Even Slick Willie knew
'Twas the end of his marriage

On Lindsey! On Cochran!
On Dershowitz and Bailey!
They chomped at the bits
As she whipped them up gaily

For Bill it was ruin,
For the country, relief
Merry Christmas to all
And to all a good grief!

Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to or

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