Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Wednesday, December 8, 1999

Christmas letter
comes to the rescue

IN December the days get short and flash by faster than a George W. Bush deep thought. The days are shorter because, as I've pointed out before, there's a lot of rain in the winter and the days get wet and shrink.

So, let's be honest here. There's no way you're going to get your Christmas cards out on time. You know it and I know it.

But don't worry. Once again, we offer the official Honolulu Lite Personal Customizable Politically Incorrect Non-denominational Y2K Compatible Christmas Letter, wherein you simply circle the appropriate items, tear the column out of the paper and mail it to all those people that you intensely ignore for the rest of the year. Here it is:

Christmas, 1999

Dear (Friends, Family, Indigenous Earthlings, Probation Officer, I'll think of your name in a minute, Other,)

Merry Christmas!

Hope you are (happy, healthy, relatively germ-free, out on bail, semi-conscious, over that drooling problem.) How are all the other (children, relatives, ferrets, gerbils, sex slaves, illegal aliens) who (cohabitate, infest, share, stink up) your home?

Our year was (busier than Bill Clinton's pants, quieter than the Mars Polar Lander, more bizarre than a Reform Party candidate forum, indescribably delicious.) I'm happy to report that Grandpa's (indictment was quashed, coma is continuing, boyfriend was on "America's Most Wanted," Las Vegas stand-up gig failed horribly.) Grandma is (happy to be alive, nuttier than a pecan tart, still wandering around somewhere in Georgia, convinced the CIA has put a radio transponder in her dentures.)

The kids are (still in the joint, afraid to go to school without sidearms, holding Mom captive in the basement, trying to track down Grandma in Georgia.)

I've been busy (staying a few steps ahead of the law, gussying up the trailer, "dating" the entire membership of Grandma's bridge club, stockpiling weapons and booze for New Year's Eve.) Speaking of New Year's Eve, make sure you (stay off my property if you know what's good for you, don't wear your underwear on your head again this year, keep clear of Grandpa after he's had a few cocktails.)

THIS Y2K business has me (feeling oogie, puzzled, vaguely amused, jumpy as a kangaroo junkie on bad methamphetamine.) Just to be on the safe side, I'm (going to stay drunk 'til Easter, selling my one share of Martha Stewart stock, eating the entire contents of my freezer right now, wearing Kevlar boxer shorts.)

For Christmas this year we plan to (rent a cabin in the mountains and run around naked, go caroling in the neighborhood naked, have dinner at a big old fancy restaurant naked, just stay home -- naked.)

Sorry to hear that (you bought stock in the only dot-com company not to make money, the baboon liver transplant didn't work out, the Seattle Starbucks outlet you sunk your entire life savings into just before the World Trade Organization meeting was torched.)

I'm sure the new year will bring you many (joys, heartbreaks, lawsuits, unwanted solicitations from telephone service providers) and that the Year 2000 will be the most (irritating, fantastic, cautious, creepy, fabulous) time of (your entire life, that jumble of missed chances, massive screw-ups and pointless activity you call living.)

Give our best to your entire (clan, brood, herd, gaggle, tribe, cellblock, family!)

Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to or

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