A visit to Hilo has to include a stop at our favorite Italian restaurant Topo Gigio's, named after the little mouse on the old Ed Sullivan show. Some toys we’d be
better off withoutIn addition to wonderful pastas and sauces and the crustiest bread around, Topo's claims the biggest collection of antique toys in Hawaii. From the walls to the rafters, the restaurant is piled high with little cars, trucks, trains, dolls, animals, games, blocks, puppets and mechanical marvels.
At dinner this week, though, I sat in front of a wall that left me alarmed at what we used to give our kids to play with.
These toys could only be described as a playland tribute to alcoholism. There was The Drinking Captain, an action figure of an old seafarer swilling grog. There was a W.C. Fields doll sitting on a trash can under a streetlight in tux and top hat with a stogie in one hand and a flask of whiskey in the other. There was a Bubble-Blowing Bunny whose bubbles seemed to come from a brew of fermented hops and barley.
What really got my attention was the Charley Weaver Battery-Powered Bartender. The old comic and grandfather of the Arquette clan of film stars stands behind a little bar holding a martini shaker and a glass. Flip the switch and he shakes himself a martini, pours it into the glass and lifts it to his lips.
What in the world were the people who sold these toys thinking? It got my mind racing about inventing toys highlighting more modern vices.
We'd update the bartender theme with The George W. Bush Party Guy. Flip the switch and George W. pops up from behind his bar with a razor blade and cuts a line of cocaine.
For political balance, we'd have The Bill Clinton Truthful Pursuit Game. The object is to guess when President Bill is telling the truth. (Hint: The only time you really can be certain he's not lying is when he pauses for a breath and stops moving his lips.)
Bringing the concept home, how about a Bishop Estate Battery-Powered Piggybank? It's the same as any piggybank except that the cork that holds in the coins is missing. The fun starts when the hand of Bernice Pauahi Bishop drops coins into the slot on piggy's back and action figures resembling Dickie Wong, Henry Peters and Lokelani Lindsey dive to the floor to grovel for the pennies falling out of the bottom.
Then there's the Gary Rodrigues Log Cabin Kit. You can use it to build yourself a house in Oregon or a union headquarters in Hilo. It comes with an optional stone wall to fend off questions about the details of the deal.
We could market a John Henry Felix Electric Wedding Chapel -- in a Japanese version, of course.
Or an educational game, The Jon Yoshimura and Andy Mirikitani Driving School. Yoshimura teaches you how to sideswipe other cars and not notice while Mirikitani instructs you on how to drive without insurance and not notice.
We'd sell Fighting Norman Mizuguchi and Colleen Hanabusa Hand Puppets. You and a friend could pretend you're powerful special interests battling for control of the state Senate.
I'd get in on the fun with a Volcanic Ash Power Typewriter. Instead of words emerging, a chimpanzee in a little red jacket would jump out from the keys and bang loud cymbals that annoy everybody within hearing range.
David Shapiro is managing editor of the Star-Bulletin.
He can be reached by e-mail at editor@starbulletin.com.
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