Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Monday, November 29, 1999

New clues confirm
men are pigs

IF archaeologists in the far future want to know how men and women of the 20th century differed, they will only have to thumb through a daily newspaper of our time and scan the advertisements.

One writer says that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. I think it's more like men are from Alpha Globbula Minor in the Third Quadrant of Nastoogylama and women are from Jersey, which is to say, further apart psychologically than a mere couple of planets in the same solar system.

The evidence is clear, based on newspaper advertisements placed in portions of the paper generally perused by either men or women. Businesses direct their advertisements at certain demographic groups. So they aren't going to waste money running ads that no one is going to read. The businesses know what men and women are interested in. They know the psychology involved. Therefore, the advertisements reflect the deep concerns of each group.

For instance, here's a recent sampling from the inside of the feature section of ads directed to women:

Weight Watchers. "You're worth it!"
Telephone psychic. "Special phone reading $50."
Warehouse clearance sale of contemporary island wear.
Ukulele studio lessons for children and adults.
Christmas crafts fair and food expo. "400 top artisans ... win color television, win 10,000."
Bankruptcy attorney. "Ask about low-cost do-it-yourself filing."

WHAT do these ads tell us about women? That they want to look good and be healthy. They they want their families to dress nicely. That they want to nurture their families with good food and special Christmas gifts. They want to enrich their children's lives by having them learn music and to play an instrument. That they want to bring in extra income, even if it means winning a drawing. That if their big dumb husbands blow the family budget, the women are capable of rescuing the family by filing bankruptcy on their own.

Now, let's flip over to the sports pages and see what men are interested in, based on the advertisements there:

Adult video rentals. Sexy lingerie also available.
Monday Night Football betting line number.
Hair transplants.
Hair growth pill.
Pretty Women. "Available 24 hours, appointment only.
"The End Is Near!" Honda power generators. On sale for $599.
Exotic dancing club. "Beautiful local girls, satellite television, Thanksgiving Dinner & Special Drink."
Car dealership "oil and filter club." Also, timing belts, clutch replacements, air conditioning repair and engine tune up.
State football championships.

There were many more but you get the drift. Women are interested in preserving the family, being financially secure and looking good for their mates.

Men, however, are interested in sex with strangers, growing back their hair, making sure the beer stays cold if the power goes off, watching women get naked (live and on video), tuning up their cars and watching football.

The difference explains why men occasionally have to take their "Thanksgiving Dinner & Special Drink" at the local bump-and-grind establishment instead of at home, where they'd likely be killed.

---

Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.

---

The Honolulu Lite online archive is at:
https://archives.starbulletin.com/lite