Honolulu Lite
I've been reading the Bridge column on the Star-Bulletin comics page for nearly 20 years and I still don't know what the hell it's all about. Card column is
bridge to confusionIt's like reading the ravings of a lunatic or some secret World War II manuscript written in code to hide the actual details of a planned invasion.
To those non-bridge players like myself, the column is devoted to various strategies employed in what I suppose is a really popular card game. I say "suppose" because I've only met two bridge players in my entire life; one was a 19-year-old intellectual wacko and the other was the oldest ambulatory person I'd ever seen.
I suppose the game's popular because it's the only card game given a major chunk of newspaper real estate every day. I read the column in awe. Rarely are so many words from the English language strung together in sentences that fail to elicit any cognitive brain function.
Here's a sample sentence from a typical bridge column:
"East wins the diamond ace while the North invades the South near Vicksburg and the Dummy's club foot trips on the five of spades, overtricking the defenders while West's heart king sneaks off for a few tricks of his own with club queen who turns out to be a jack in queen's clothing (so the king was surprised there) and the defender trumps the Dummy's bid and switches to the Reform Party while East makes his contract but goes Chapter 11 anyhow and the South shall rise again."
If you think that doesn't make sense, you should see the chart that goes along with it. Bridge columns always have a chart showing all the cards in everyone's hand, including the Dummy, which seems to be a cruel thing to call a fellow card player. But that's the way bridge is. It seems like a quiet, dignified and sophisticated game played by the only people in the world who eat tiny cucumber sandwiches without the crust. But it's actually a vicious game whereby contestants are constantly attacking, defending, clubbing, spading, killing and, apparently, ruffing the tricker.
I will likely be hearing from hardcore bridge players. They will call me a booby, chump, clod, dimwit, dolt, dullard and big dummy because that's the way bridge players see people who don't know how to play their game.
There has been talk over the years of stopping the bridge column because no poll of subscribers has actually turned up an actual bridge-column reader. But no editor has had the guts to do it. I think they sense that there is something more to the bridge column than meets the eye. That it is part of some cosmic glue that holds the cosmos together.
(Personally, I suspect something more sinister: that bridge players secretly control the world and the bridge column actually is the way they communicate with each other and dispatch their secret forces around the globe.)
The bridge column was, is and forever shall be, so help us God. But that doesn't mean we can't have other columns devoted to card games. Frankly, a good column on blackjack would serve Hawaii readers well. So many Hawaii residents go to Las Vegas, they probably could use advice like, "When the dealer is showing a 4 and you've got a 9 or 10, double down." Or, "Always split aces." Or, "Keep your eyes on your cards, not the dealer's breasts." Or: "Don't have another rum and coke, you idiot, you're already down $500."
See, that's the kind of information the average Hawaii card player needs to know.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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