Honolulu Lite
ABOUT 150 lawyers recently gathered to play in a tournament at the Ala Wai Golf Course to raise money for the University of Hawaii Richardson School of Law. Lawyers score
a miracle at Ala WaiAnd the punch line is:
While we could continue in this vein for, well, ever, let's stop here since the third one is what actually happened. A lawyer buddy of mine who took part in the tournament reports that scores turned in by the legal eagles rivaled the pros on their best days at the U.S. Open. The sheer audacity of his fellow lawyers to claim scores that would make Ben Hogan gasp in his grave in what purported to be a friendly contest for a good cause stunned our correspondent, a man who, up until now I thought was quite un-stunnable. It takes a lot to astonish a former federal prosecutor.The tournament never began because 150 challenges to the event's rules caused the matter to be stalled in the state Supreme Court.
THE tournament format would be confusing for non-golfers. Let's just say that it all depended on the lawyers fairly declaring their individual handicaps. An average handicap for a weekend golfer is about 18, meaning that if par for the course is 72, this person would shoot about 90. But something wondrous happened on the shores of the Ala Wai Canal. I'll let my friend set the stage in his own words:
"Your correspondent's team chose reasonably accurate handicaps. 'Reasonably' as used by a lawyer has roughly the same connotation as used by a doctor in the phrase 'I have some reasonably good news for you.'
"We played wonderfully ... and your correspondent was sure that his team's score of roughly 18 under par would place it among contenders for the top prize.
"Imagine his shock upon learning that this score, rather than being among the leading results, was instead close to the end!"
I added the exclamation point for effect, although I doubt many people would be surprised at the staggering outcome. My friend put the scores into context:
"The winning score of essentially 29 under par for 27 holes was so magnificent an achievement, that if Tiger Woods, David Duval and Sergio Garcia had entered as a team and each had birdied every hole ... they would NOT have won," he said.
Trying to be objective, my friend analyzed the astonishing results this way:
"The list of scores leaves your correspondent with only two possible alternatives: either the golfing lawyers had visited Lourdes prior to their rounds and had miraculously shot better than each had ever done in their lives or they had, en masse, feloniously fibbed about their handicaps. Knowing lawyers as well as your correspondent does, he is certain that what occurred was a golfing miracle worthy of the front page of every golfing journal."
Our correspondent, in his conclusion, is either being droll or was born yesterday. I've known this guy for years so the second option hardly seems possible. Could it be yet another miracle?
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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