Sports Watch

By Bill Kwon

Saturday, July 17, 1999

Some pies in the face:
No donation required

THEY had a United Way fund-raiser in the Honolulu Newspaper Agency parking lot yesterday.

People had a chance to throw chocolate-pudding-with- whipped-cream pies at some of the Star-Bulletin's finest. For a donation, of course.

One of those on the receiving end was Sports Editor Joe Edwards. Funny, but no one from our sports department, myself included, threw a pie at him.

Hey, we like our days off whenever we can get them. Besides, he's 6-foot-5 and would have kicked our butts.

So we give in other, safer ways not hazardous to our collective health.

But that got me to thinking about how so many folks lately in the world of sports deserve to have pies thrown at them. Really deserve it.

LET'S start with the major league umpires, who decided to resign Sept. 2 in protest. Their feelings were hurt.

Then again, maybe we shouldn't throw pies at them. Those pompous and confrontational guys thrive on eating pies. So it wouldn't be giving them their just desserts.

Let them eat crow instead. These guys must have delusions of grandeur. They think they are The Show in The Show, not the ball players.

Don't they realize their job is not to screw up the balls and strikes and the close calls on the field?

Who needs 'em? It's time for replacement umps.

I never thought I'd ever say this, but maybe Roberto Alomar was right.

I'M sure Seattle fans wouldn't mind throwing pies at reliever Jose Mesa, who walked four batters and blew another save Thursday night in the Mariners' inaugural game at Safeco Field, the most expensive baseball stadium ever with a $517 million price tag.

If I had to be on the receiving end of a pie, I'd want Mesa throwing. Chances are, he'd miss. The walk-out umps would still call it a strike, though.

On the other hand, imagine if Arizona's Randy Johnson threw a pie 95 mph at Diamondbacks' closer Matt Mantei, who blew the Big Unit's W by walking the bases-loaded and then giving up a three-run double in the ninth in the loss the same night to Texas.

Save a pie for Lawrence Phillips, the talented running back who just can't seem to stay out of trouble.

His stock rose again after a 1,000-yard season in NFL European, causing teams to salivate for his services again.

Here's a pie tossed at the NBC Peacock for rehiring Marv Albert two years after firing him for his sexual misconduct.

Yes!

ALSO, a pie in the face for those failing to keep Peter Fithian's baby -- the Hawaiian International Billfish Tournament - from being held for the 41st straight year.

Somehow, it doesn't seem like August without the Billfish Tournament in Kailua-Kona.

And a gooey splat of a pie on the latest issue of Sports Illustrated. No, I loved the cover featuring Brandi Chastain.

It's just that SI raved about Spain's young sensation, Sergio Garcia and his chances in the British Open. Talk about the SI jinx. Garcia not only didn't make the cut, he finished dead last with a 36-hole score of 172.

Here are more pies to throw at the members of the UCLA football team who faked their way to obtain and use handicapped parking permits.

It's not true that the University of Hawaii football Rainbows scheduled USC instead of UCLA to open the season because Aloha Stadium didn't have enough handicapped stalls to accommodate the Bruins.