Honolulu Lite
I'M not saying I was tricked, but I'm pretty sure that when I agreed to submit a couple of my top secret recipes to the Hawaii Newspaper Agency Federal Credit Union cook book, I was told that the book would be mayo-free. These recipes could
save a child’s lifeAs head of the "Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club" (http://www.nomayo.com), I simply would not take part in any enterprise that promotes the use of the dreaded white gunk.
But when I picked up my copy of the new cookbook, I found that several recipes contained mayo in quantities that shocked even a veteran mayo-hater like myself. Only in Hawaii would mayo be measured in one-cup units or larger. Nowhere is there to be found a recipe that calls for a "hint, smidgen or dollop" of mayo. Instead, a recipe for "California Pan Sushi," calls not only for one full cup of mayo but "more if needed."
More if needed? I can't imagine putting a cup of mayo anywhere but in the main incinerator at the Johnston Island hazardous waste disposal facility.
So, yes, I feel a bit exploited. In this book, my perfectly good mayo-free recipes are obliged to co-exist with the forces of mayo evil.
Nevertheless, because the book is for a good cause, I'm all for it.
For the record, "HNA FCU Cooks" is for sale for a mere $10. Of that, $7 goes to the Children's Miracle Network, an organization that supports hospitals that care for seriously ill children. All donations stay in Hawaii and are tax deductible. (Call 545-3281 to order.)
IF you avoid the recipes with mayonnaise (which is easy to do because they rip out of the book pretty easily) you'll find a few hundred local recipes either invented or submitted by employees of the daily newspapers and HNA.
There are recipes for everything from Poi Mochi to pipikaula (not to be confused with Robert Kekaula). I particularly like the recipes submitted by guys because men deal only in round numbers. Like "Bozo's Ono Chicken Marinade," which consists of one cup each of beer, miso, soy sauce, peanut butter and sugar. Bozo Tsuchiyama's instructions are simply to mix the stuff up and marinate chicken in it. It's a real guy thing. And I bet when Bozo makes it, he doesn't actually use a measuring cup.
I also like Walter Soh's "Wally's Recipe for Chow Mein" in which ingredients are measured only IN POUNDS! I'm not kidding. It starts with 10 pounds of noodles, five pounds of bean sprouts, four pounds of celery, three pounds of char siu, etc. I added up the ingredients and it came to more than 30 pounds of stuff! It also calls for three POUNDS of Oyster sauce but I'm praying that's a typo. Only a guy would list a sauce in a recipe by the pound.
My own submissions are a little more complicated, mainly because I cook by intuition and this was the first time I ever tried to write the ingredients down.
There's "Charley's Super Easy, Empty Out Your Refrigerator, Honolulu Not-So-Lite Bisquick Meat Pie." The recipe is just a bit longer than the title. It produces "one enormous serving, three hearty servings or six servings for normal people, if you can find any."
Then there's my famous "Haole-kine Teriyaki Loco Moco Meatball Donburi," which sounds frightening but is actually pretty harmless if your cholesterol is under 400 points.
There are some seriously ill children out there who can use your help. So buy the book. Just don't make any of the dishes that use mayo or you'll make a certain columnist sick.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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