Full-Court Press
WHO would you rather have as head football coach at the University of Hawaii, Spock or Capt. James T. Kirk? Who’s your coach,
Kirk or Spock?This is one of those questions best addressed at 3 o'clock in the morning after you've knocked back a liter of Coke, dabbled in Mr. Orville Redenbacher's gourmet buttered popcorn and watched so many reruns of "Red Shoe Diaries," you know every episode by heart.
So, for those who want to wait until that most mind-expanding of moments, get back to us and we'll talk. For the rest, let's move on and see where this enterprise takes us.
First of all, there's no question Kirk would be a heck of a coach. Not only is he a fine tactician who knows just when to fire up the Proton Torpedoes, the good captain is also a leader of men.
For nearly 35 years, Americans have been privy to all of the Captain's exploits, both on and off the field. Granted, his black book is probably much thicker than the playbook. And he has been known to risk the ship just to get a wee bit more out of her.
But can you imagine the benefits that would shower down from the heavens? Haven't won a game in what seems like a century? Let Capt. Kirk man the bridge. Need some cheeks in the seats? Few have put together more blockbusters than Kirk.
Who among us wouldn't have tears in our eyes after hearing Kirk give his pregame speech on the prime directive? In no time, people would be beaming up and strapping on the trusty tricorder.
FOR those who believe speaking your mind at every opportunity might not work under the current Rainbow regime, perhaps Spock is the better breed of alien in the UH shuttle craft.
Granted, football is filled with emotional moments where violence seemingly rules supreme. But for a coach, being logical when everyone else is losing his head in the waning moments of a close game has its advantages. The best first officers are the ones thinking five plays ahead. They have more charts and tendencies at their fingertips than the ship's computer.
That's where Spock would fit in quite nicely. His playbook would be the envy of everyone in the galaxy. How could anyone's Xs and Os possibly match up with his? And even if they did, his blocking-and-tackling drills would most likely include the Vulcan nerve-pinch. That move would come in handy at critical junctures in a game.
And while Spock's pregame speech may not be heard beyond the locker room's walls, his Vulcan mind-meld would allow the players to believe and do whatever Spock thinks or says. His game plan could prove fascinating.
SO, who do you choose? Well, may we make a small suggestion before you pick? Wait until early this morning, long after the wife and kids have gone to bed, and the last bit of Coke and popcorn have been consumed.
Forget Red Shoes and tune in to the Sci-Fi channel to catch an old Star Trek. It will probably be an episode pitting logic against emotion, the heart vs. the mind.
But be warned.
Don't start wondering if Doctor McCoy might be a fair head coach himself. He may be a simple country doctor, but make no bones about it, even Dorothy could find something in his little black bag for her.
Once you've reached this state of total consciousness, the decision should be a simple matter of logic. Weigh the pros and cons of both. Capt. Kirk's matters of the heart as opposed to Spock's brain. In the final analysis, who else do you know who bleeds green?
Live long and prosper.
Paul Arnett has been covering sports
for the Star-Bulletin since 1990.