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Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Wednesday, May 19, 1999


Putting your flowers
on lei-away

WHAT do you do with a used lei? I don't mean one that has gone completely limp and dried out, but one that still looks decent and smells good.

It's impossible just to throw a lei away. It seems unseemly. Even after a birthday or graduation, when you have mounds of leis, you can't just toss them in the Dumpster. There's nothing sadder than a lei in a Dumpster. Unless it's a street person wearing a lei in a Dumpster.

When I am presented with a lei, after giving a bad speech or something, I usually deliver it to my wife when I return to the news building. That is the safest, most economical way to get rid of -- I mean recycle -- a lei. At home we've constructed a wooden shelf on the wall that has several pegs for hanging hats. We have no hats, but the pegs are perfect for hanging used leis. Most leis grow old gracefully, and many actually look better as they dry out, unlike people.

The most difficult type of lei to recycle is the one I call the "George Ariyoshi Lei." For some reason, the ex-governor seemed fond of the huge, red double-carnation leis. He wore so many I think he had a permanent double slump in his shoulders.

The average double carnation lei weighs 43 pounds. And no matter how much you shake it, 4 quarts of water stay hidden in its petals. So not only do you feel like you are carrying a piano on your back when you wear one, you also get soaked.

The double-carnation lei is the one you want to get rid of first because it cuts off circulation to your lower body. But what do you do with them? They are too big to hang on your car's rearview mirror, a usual place for used leis. You hang a double-carnation lei on your rearview mirror and you might as well drive backward, because the rear view is all you are going to see. The lei will block your entire front windshield.

A double carnation is perfect to hang on the bow of a battleship, but you usually don't have one of those sitting around the house. The lei also comes in handy if you have a winning Kentucky Derby horse in your backyard.

You could hang one around the neck of the Kamehameha statue in front of the Supreme Court building, but then all the tourists would wonder why a statue of George Ariyoshi is standing out there.

When it gets right down to it, the only thing to do with a used double-carnation lei is to surprise total strangers, preferably from Ohio, and put it around their necks. They will think it is charming and walk around Waikiki beaming, until they realize they are losing feeling in their fingers.

Most leis are easy to recycle, especially the lighter ones. Dogs like to get leftover leis. They don't understand them, but they like to get them. They'll run around the house and act goofy and pose for photographs.

But never, ever try to lei a cat. Try to put a flowers around a cat's neck and he'll take your arm off.

You can drape leftover leis over just about anything and the lei makes that spot seem special. Dressers, door knobs, mirrors, unused exercise equipment ... it's like spreading little colorful exclamation points around the house.

The problem for most of us is not how to get rid of a used lei, but how to get leied to begin with. I mean, you can only give so many bad speeches before word gets around and your lei supply dries up.



Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802

or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.



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