Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Monday, May 10, 1999

Road to riches

SO ou want to be a millionaire? Right now the quickest road to riches is paved with electrons. It's the Internet Freeway, buddy, and it's packed with money-churning vehicles. Companies race back and forth across the electronic landscape dragging little .coms behind them like U-Haul trailers.

I know. You're thinking, "How can I find the on-ramp to the gravy turnpike?" It's easy. All you have to do is create a web site and soon you will have millions of people clamoring to your cyber door.

There're are two ways to make money on the web. First, sell a product, like, the world's largest book seller. Out of thousands and thousands of web sites on the Internet, there are roughly 12 that actually sell stuff. That's because, if you actually sell stuff, you have to mess around with three-dimensional merchandise that takes up space and, frankly, is just a real bother.

The real way to make money on the web is to create such an interesting web site that it gets millions of "hits," or visits. If you get enough hits, you can convince people to buy advertising on your site. That's the main economic force driving the Internet: millions of web sites selling advertising space to each other. None of these web sites actually sells merchandise. If they ever stop selling advertising to each other, the entire Internet would go poof! and disintegrate into the cosmic nothingness that it actually is.

But for the time being, there's a lot of advertising action to be had. The secret to selling real estate, they say, is location, location, location. The secret to a successful web site is sex, sex, sex. I don't care if you are selling dog collars, you have to have some sex on your web site. (Wait a second, that's not a good example. Dog collars are an actual product and, come to think about it, are an integral part of sex.)

If you don't have actual sex on your web site, then you have to have sex in your site address. For instance, if you have a web site dedicated to tropical fish, you need to name it something like

YOU'LL get a lot more hits than if your Internet address was just

But even better words to include in your Internet address are: "horny," "gerbil," "kinky," "horny," "gazoombas," "Pamela," "Lee," "Anderson," "horny," "zucchini" and "horny."

You could have on your site the most boring, banal picture in the world -- like, say, of an Idaho potato or yourself naked -- but if you call your web site, you'll become a millionaire.

You'll get a lot more visits to your web site if you post pictures of people and/or animals actually having sex, but most of those visitors will be FBI agents and you'll eventually be arrested. Just for fun, you can trick the FBI by naming your web site and then having something completely harmless posted there like a recipe for key lime pie or a picture of J. Edgar Hoover in a dress. You'll still be arrested, but at least you had fun.

The FBI spends all of its time scouring the Internet for offensive material. That why it took nearly 15 years for it to uncover the Chinese spy at the Los Alamos nuclear facility.

The FBI would have caught the guy in 1985 if he had a website called But the spy was smart enough list his site as, which got absolutely no hits whatsoever.

Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802

or send E-mail to or

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