Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Monday, April 12, 1999

It’s hard to find a
poll position

SINCE we seem to be living in a pollocracy these days, I've decided to base my positions in this column on what a majority of people polled think my positions should be.

This is easier said than done. Polls cost money. So do focus groups, which are mini-polls designed to allow politicians to see which way everyone is stampeding so they can get out front and act like they are leading the charge.

Bill Clinton loves focus groups. According to his former loyal aides, he doesn't make a move without taking a poll or convening a focus group first.

Based on these efforts, the president knew beyond all certainty that the country did not give a rip about the Monica Lewinsky stuff. He also knew that most of the country would support a military strike against Serbia.

So I went in search of my own focus group. As luck would have it, I was invited to be guest speaker at the Windward Rotary Club last week. There were about 50 people in attendance, which represented a cross section of the community, as long as that community is made up of mainly haole businessmen from Lanikai.

Here are some of the results of my poll:

Two weeks ago, 33 percent of the group thought "Kosovo" was a small Greek dumpling; 23 percent thought "Kosovo" was a sneeze; 28 percent thought "Kosovo" was a body organ, as in, "ouch, I've pulled my kosovo."

95 percent thought it was insensitive for me to say, "Why is it that the crusty loaves of bread handed out to refugees always look so good?"

23 percent agreed that the term "ground troops" sounds too much like "ground meat."

3 percent would support sending "ground troops" to Kosovo.

87 percent would support sending "ground meat" to Kosovo.

33 percent had fish for lunch.

33 percent had ham.

33 percent had both. (Ground meat was not on the menu.)

Everyone was against ground troops becoming ground meat in Kosovo.

37 percent agreed that if we need to draft Americans to fight in an extended war in Yugoslavia, Clinton should be drafted and "forced to actually go this time."

Nearly 100 percent agreed that it was irresponsible for a local horse ranch to let someone my size get on a horse. (The conversation skipped around quite a bit.)

27 percent thought we should just take out (i.e., kill) Serbian prez Slobodan Milosevic and quit wasting perfectly good bombs on anything other than Yugo automobile production plants.

Somehow, I don't think I conducted the focus group properly. The only thing I can safely say, knowing that I have the support of the entire Island population, is that I should stay off horses and not make cracks about what hundreds of thousands of suffering people are eating. (And, some hazy data regarding ground meat.)

I should point out that most of the figures in this column are entirely made up, except for those regarding the fish-vs.-ham-buffet offerings. I was having so much fun asking the questions, I never actually got around to writing down most of the results.

If any other organizations would like to become one of my focus groups, I'm available just about any lunch time. And I prefer ham 37 percent of the time, though ground chuck will do in a pinch.

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Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.

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