WELL it's one, two, three, what are we fightin' for? Don't ask me, I don't give a damn. Next stop is Milosevic-land. And it's five, six, seven, open up the pearly gates, ain't got no time to wonder why, whoopie! We're all gonna die! It’s like,
you know ...
war, man!It had to happen. Bell bottoms are back. Tie-dyed shirts. All the trappings of the hippie era have become cool again. All that was needed was a really stupid war in a country no one could find on a map three weeks ago to protest against. And we got it. We've gone to war with a country called Serbia. Or Yugoslavia. Serbia is part of Yugoslavia. Or Yugoslavia is part of Serbia. And Kosovo is part of both Yugoslavia and Serbia. Or something like that.
Kosovo is made up of mostly Muslims and wants to be a sovereign country. Serbia is made up of mostly Serbs, I guess, and they consider Kosovo part of Serbia. There're also Albanians hanging around somewhere in the vicinity. And Montenegronians, or whatever residents of Montenegro are called. And I think there's a country called Mastodon or Mesopotamia or Macedonia or something nearby. That's about all I can tell you about the region. There's a mess of little countries up in those parts. On a map, they look like paint splatters.
Here's one fact about the region I do know: Ninety-nine percent of all American high school graduates never took a test in which the correct answer to a question was "Serbia," "Yugoslavia" or "Kosovo."
Also instructive is the fact that none of these countries are among the 90,000 words listed in my state-of-the-art, electronic Franklin Bookman Dictionary & Thesaurus. If I type in "Serbia," the closest word the electronic dictionary can come up with is "serial." When I type in "Kosovo," the dictionary offers "cassava." "Bosnia" begets "bison" and "Macedonia" ironically offers up three possibilities: "messed up, misdealing and misdemeanor."
There should be a rule. Americans should not be asked to give their lives in countries that do not pop up in modern electronic dictionaries.
The electronic dictionary does list "Vietnam," but we aren't at war there.
We were once. And at the time, most people couldn't find that country on the map either. It's kind of sad that Americans have to learn geography through warfare.
But now we are at war with Serbia because the dictator there will not allow Kosovo its autonomy. Helping small, defenseless countries win their sovereignty is a laudable goal for a world superpower. That's why we attacked England to free Northern Ireland. That's why we bombed Spain to free Catalonia. That why we fired cruise missiles at China over Tibet and at Russia over Chechnya. No. Wait a second. No, we didn't. We didn't get involved in any of those conflicts. So, actually, I don't know why the hell we're at war with Serbia.
If Serbian dictator Slobodan Milosevic doesn't give up, there's a chance that we will have to send in ground troops. We'll need lots. We might have to draft college kids. If Bill Clinton were in college today, would he go to Serbia to fight? Or would he dodge the draft like he did when we were at war in Vietnam?
I say let's all gather at a farm in New York state, smoke some pot and listen to Country Joe and the Fish sing the "Feel Like I'm Fixin' to Die Rag." Well, it's one, two three, what are we fightin' for? Don't ask me I don't give a damn. Next stop is not in my dictionary, man. Groovy.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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