WHAT kind of complete idiot would make disparaging remarks about someone arrested for breaking into a house without checking the guy's background first? Only an idiot
would pick on
a guy like thisI mean, what if the burglar turned out to be, say, a convicted murderer who had been sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole only to have that sentence commuted by the governor and then was eventually freed?
I know, the odds of that happening are so remote that is hardly worth worrying about.
So you can imagine this idiot's surprise to find out that the person I wrote about last week who broke into the Diamond Head house being used to film MTV's "Real World," a house with more cameras than a Las Vegas casino, turns out to be, well, a convicted murderer who was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole only to have his sentence commuted by the governor and then was released back into the community.
The word "surprise" actually doesn't cover my reaction. Horror, terror, shock ... THOSE are the words.
Then I was body-slammed by the irony of the situation. Only in the "unreal world" of Hawaii would a person supposedly sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole not only be freed, but end up making a cameo appearance in a show called "Real World."
Silly me, I just figured someone breaking into a house at Diamond Head was probably just your run-of-the-mill, non-newspaper-reading, relatively harmless property crimes offender. I forgot that I am in Hawaii, where just about anyone on the street can turn out to be someone who has been sentenced at one time or another to life in prison without the possibility of parole.
See, in most places (i.e. anywhere else but Hawaii) the phrase, "life without the possibility of parole" carries just a tad more permanence than around here.
But I'm not complaining. I'm sure then Gov. John Waihee had a good reason to commute this fellow's sentence. (I'm not naming the gentleman because there's still a slight chance that he didn't read the last column and if he did I can always claim that I wasn't writing about him, I was writing about a completely different convicted murderer sentenced to life without the possibility of parole who later had his sentence commuted by the governor. And this being Hawaii, there's a distinct possibility there are more out there.)
I rapidly re-read my original column to make sure I had not said anything the "Real World" burglar could take offense at. In fact, I merely called him unlucky and hapless, which, really, you could say about anyone from Rodney Dangerfield to John Kennedy. So it's not the sort of thing someone should get upset about and, say, seek retribution for.
I also said breaking into the "Real World" house is "almost as dumb as having sex in the men's room of a major hotel."
"Almost" was a poor word choice. Getting caught having sex in a hotel men's room is way, way dumber. It is off-the-board dumb. Breaking into the MTV house was intelligent by comparison. Enlightened, actually. It probably was merely a misunderstanding. ("Your honor, of course I knew all those cameras were there. I was just hoping to get an audition. To finally do something with my life.")
So, now that we have this funny little episode worked out, we can all relax and have a nice chuckle over it. Everyone's chuckling, right?
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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