IT wasn't the answer this technophobe wanted to hear. Having just begged Star-Bulletin Web master Blaine Fergerstrom to visit my condo -- to hook up a new Epson printer to my just-as-new iMac computer -- he took a sip of java, looked deeply into my eyes and cooed reassuredly, "No, Diane, I want you to try it yourself first. You can do it. It's easy." My hate-hate
relationship
with high techNooooooo! Please! Anything but that!
High technology and I have developed a special hate-hate relationship. I deftly avoided ATMs until 1997, when the lack of weekend cash became too debilitating. I still write appointments in a bulky Month-At-A-Glance calendar instead of a hoighty-toity PalmPilot.
But now, with the millennium about to turn, a chilling reality made me shudder. It was time to hook up a Mac at my residence that could access the newsroom system. Then I could "conveniently" work at nights and on weekends in my abode, instead of making the maddening trek back to the office.
Installing the iMac was easy enough. It was deftly programmed and duly prepped by managing editor/computer nerd Dave Shapiro, so I carted the contraption home and merely plugged it. OK, easy enough. How hard could it be to set up a printer?
Blaine's rebuff had, in fact, spurred me to successfully install that little gizmo even if it took all weekend. Pride was at stake. I was determined to do the whole thing solo.
Breaking open the box, my eyes respectfully caressed the cover of the brightly colored fold-out instructions: "Start Here. To get going quickly with your Epson Stylus Color 740, you'll need to 1) Set up the printer. 2) Install the software. 3) Print an image."
All righty, then. Rolling up my sleeves, I flipped through the pamphlet and continued with a melange of excitement and false courage. The paper support snapped gingerly into place. The ink cartridges clamped snugly into their holders. And when the inks charged through the delivery system, and the light signaled the process complete, oh baby!
Then came dreaded step number five -- "Connect the printer." Uh, oh. One end of the cable fit neatly into the iMac but the other side didn't seem to (umph!) go in any of the (for crying out loud!) holes in the (censored) printer.
In disgust, I switched off the monster and envisioned myself storming into Dave's office on Monday, ranting that those incompetent Epson packers had forgotten to include the right connector. Those fools!
A few hours later, my inner voice nagged me into trying again. Don't be such a wimp, Diane. You can do this. This time, the cable miraculously bonded with the printer. (Gasp) Then I installed the software -- which meant putting the CD-ROM into the CD-ROM drive -- and voila! Mission accomplished!
"Now that you've set up your printer and installed the software," proclaimed the last part of the instructions, "you're ready to print." So I tried. I really tried. I clicked the print button and waited.
But nothing happened, nothing except an asinine message flashing on the screen saying that some doo-hickey wasn't appropriately hooked up to the whatchamacallit. Well. There was only one thing left to do.
Blaine says he'll be over first thing in the morning. I'm making the java.
Diane Yukihiro Chang's column runs Monday and Friday.
She can be reached by phone at 525-8607, via e-mail at
DianeChang@aol.com, or by fax at 523-7863.