Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Monday, February 15, 1999

Desperately seeking
potent pachyderm

A good columnist has to remain flexible. And so I now backtrack on my previous position and throw my full-fledged support behind the Waikiki War Memorial Natatorium and Elephant Sex Facility.

Yes, I thought it was stupid to spend millions of dollars in a bad economy to reconstruct a swimming pool at the edge of the ocean. I thought that the memory of war veterans could be honored simply by restoring the Waikiki Natatorium arch. But things have changed.

Now it turns out Honolulu is in danger of losing its two elephants, Mari and Vaigai, if the city doesn't find some male elephant booty for the females to boogie with.

Vaigai and Mari have been the main attraction at the Honolulu Zoo for ages and to those untrained in the ways of elephant life, they seemed perfectly happy. The last few times I visited the zoo, however, I sensed a certain tenseness, a certain edginess to the elephants that I chalked up to gas. It didn't occur to me that the elephants were a little disgruntled because, as Marlin Perkins would say, "They weren't gettin' any."

Some officials at the United States Department of Interior whose job it is to track the sex lives of pachyderms (your government at work), noticed that the two elephants have been on a regime of forced celibacy. (Mari allegedly has a purely platonic relationship with a wart hog named Buster.) The federal government allowed the importation of the two Asian elephants to Honolulu only if they eventually would be allowed to mate, a stipulation the Hawaii Visitors and Convention Bureau might consider instituting for all visitors as a way of beefing up, so to speak, the tourist industry.

ARRANGING for a couple of gal elephants to meet a guy elephant for a discrete date is as difficult and expensive as it sounds. It's not like you can just go down to Kalakaua Avenue on Friday night and find an elephant stud muffin hanging out by the newspaper racks. And I doubt that running a personal ad would work: 'Two attractive ladies who enjoy eating tons of food and wallowing in ponds seek a randy nasally-endowed fella for quiet chats, sunset walks and wild, passionate federally approved hoochie-koochie.'

So the city has sort of dropped the ball, so to speak, on finding a suitor for Mari and Vaigai and now the federal government says that if we don't arrange for some large-scale sex in the near future, the zoo will lose the two elephants.

The problem, of course, is not finding male elephants. There are virtually herds of male elephants lined up at the New Delhi International Airport departure gate who'd love to come to Hawaii for a little nookie. The problem is, there is no honeymoon facility for elephants at the zoo. No swimming pools in the shape of hearts, no champagne fountains, no "Really Big and Tall Lingerie" stores. To expand the zoo to accommodate a new male elephant with lovin' on his mind would cost millions of dollars.

So I came up with this brilliant idea: since we've already approved $11 million for renovation of the natatorium, why not turn it into an elephant sex facility?

It's right across the street from the zoo, so the elephants wouldn't have far to walk. The renovated pool would be a lovely place for elephants to lounge, watch the sun set and get in the mood for amour.

Tourists no doubt would find three elephants whooping it up in the pool a lot more entertaining than watching a water polo match. And veterans will be honored knowing that they are saving an endangered species.

I suggest the City Council begin discussing this proposal immediately, before someone suggests that we simply send Mari and Vaigai on regular sex junkets to Las Vegas.

Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802

or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or

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