IMAGINE. There you are in the "Kamehameha: King of Slots" room. You stand before a slot machine decorated in faux-tapa. You pull the splintered paddle arm of the "one-paddled bandit." The fruit whirls. The spinning reels click to a stop. One papaya ... two papaya ... three papaya ... four! Jackpot! Four papayas! And the machine starts kicking out quarters like there's no tomorrow. Hawaiian theme
casino a gambleFantasy? Maybe not.
Some of our state legislators who have proposed every possible scheme to open the door to gambling in Hawaii are at it again. They've tried to make gambling palatable to the skeptical masses by suggesting it be put on ships. They've promised the proceeds will go to worthwhile enterprises like education and fighting child abuse, wife abuse and even, strangely, gambling abuse. They've proposed it onshore, offshore and Dinah Shore. They've proposed it on a train, they've proposed it in the rain. They've proposed it in a house, they've proposed it with a mouse. They've done everything but propose it with Green Eggs and Spam.
But now I think they've got something. Joe Souki, the former house speaker, and his merry band of pro-gambling legislators are proposing casino gambling in a Hawaiian theme park. No kidding. I'm not sure what they have in mind but I envision a sort of "Six Flags Over Queen Liliuokalani."
I've gotta say, this idea has possibilities. A theme park that not only promotes Hawaiian culture and history but enables people barely able to pay their rent to lose their paychecks and lets Mainland organized crime gain a huge foothold in the state at the same time! Fabulous!
Think of the possible attractions:
I assume that like theme casinos in Las Vegas such as "New York, New York" and "Circus, Circus," ours will be called something like "Kapolei, Kapolei" or maybe "Ewa, Ewa." And it will have rides for the kids to help them learn Hawaiian history. I'm thinking something like the "Pali Drop of Death" ride where children can experience the thrill of a 5-G drop only to have their cage stop inches from the ground. What better way to learn what it was like for Hawaiians driven off the Nuuanu Pali.Pokai Poker Bay. Wade into some "Hawaii Hold 'em," "Sunset Beach Stud" and "Five-Card Draw, Haole." Just watch it when you say, "Hit me."
Another less exciting experience would be the "Hawaiian Nation Overthrow Ride" where tourist families would be forced to endure the humiliation of being put under house arrest at the point of a bayonet while theme-park police seize all their personal belongings.
Of course, some might say that proposing a Hawaiian-themed casino is just a ruse to get gambling in Hawaii any way possible. Others might say it's in extremely poor taste and an insult to Hawaiians. They might. We'll just have to see if they do.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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