Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Friday, January 29, 1999

Capricorns weren’t
meant to have fun

MY horoscope said to "make a formal date with a casual acquaintance to improve your luck in love," which seems to be a rather cavalier suggestion from the astrology gods considering I'm pretty much locked into this marriage thing.

Then I thought of all the other Capricorns I know who received the same advice, many of them also married, and I began to wonder if maybe our horoscope got mixed up with some other sign. It sounded much more Aquarius than Capricorn. I assumed that all Capricorns, fully one-twelfth of the human race, were pretty much like me: boring old married people who when told we will "discover mystery in the afternoon" means we won't remember where we parked our car, not that we'd have some illicit, afternoon-delight meeting of passion with some obliging yet anonymous (and non-litigious) stranger.

You assume that kind of stuff happens to those living under the "more happening" signs. At least, the action in the neighboring horoscope blurbs seems to be a lot more intense then in our little astro-physical cubby hole. If there is any scientific basis for horoscopes, then several million of us Capricorns have got to be facing the same pitfalls or opportunities or the entire scheme doesn't hold up.

If the horoscope says "lay low, storm clouds brewing, severe accident a possibility" then I assume that applies to every Capricorn, from China to Istanbul (the long way around). I picture all of us Capricorns holed up waiting for the stars to move around the cosmos just enough to make it safe for us to venture back outside. If that's not the way it is, then what's the point of horoscopes? I mean, how can the system work if I spend the day in my room with a sheet over my head but some other Capricorn is out there boogying the afternoon away with some mysterious stranger who slipped out of a Scorpio entry to slut around with other signs. It wouldn't be fair.

But then an interstellar instruction comes like "make a formal date with a casual acquaintance to improve your luck in love" and I think, what the hell is going on? What kind of ancient omnipotent deity would toss out a "temporary get out of wedding vows" card to me but on the same day tell my wife, a Cancer, "the boss notices your talent for running things smoothly." If I get a day-pass from matrimony, it would seem fair for the stars to tell the wife to "go easy on husband if he seems distracted or comes home smelling of Essence of Libra." Or at least "Go shopping!"

No, this instruction to make whoopee seems irresponsible on the part of the star gods. That's why I think there may have been a mix up. There's another horoscope that says, "Your dreary life continues on the same predictable course. Don't read the Aquarius entry. It will just make you jealous. Have toast in the morning." Now THAT sounds more like a Capricorn horoscope. Except I worry about my San Salvadoran Capricorn brothers and sisters. Do they have toast in San Salvador? Do the horoscope channelers change those kind of details so it says "Have tortillas in the morning?"

Maybe I am being too literal in the reading of horoscopes. After all, it doesn't say date a "casual acquaintance of the opposite sex." Maybe it wants me to have a "formal date" with a guy. And for guys, a formal date means meeting for a beer some place there is valet parking. And, who knows, maybe if all those Capricorns out having beers (they do have beer in San Salvador) with all their buddies don't stay out too late they can get "lucky in love" when they get home.

I feel better. Now, if I could just figure out that part that says, "Watch out for falling gatos."

Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802

or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or

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