—Y2K—
Whaaat? Bug you?
By Keith HaugenMy alarm didn't ring this morning. But then, it never has. I've been waking up before the sun all of my 60 years and whether my clock had an alarm or not has never made any difference to me. I don't know if it still works or if some little chip inside the clock had not been taught to read the new date. Today is Jan. 1, in the year 2000, or as we have been conditioned to call it, D-Day in Y2K, the year of the "bug."
It's as if someone added a 13th "animal" to the Chinese astrology circle and everyone born in Y2K will proudly say -- years from now -- "I was born in the year of the bug." If they survive.
I warmed some of our midnight, New Year's Eve coffee in the microwave without giving a second thought to warnings that our old oven (circa 1980) would not understand the year "00" and, we're told, might think it's 1900 and not know how to function.
Because of the problem, I expected my computer would not turn on. But if it did, it would tell me that I was not yet born and that for breakfast it had eaten my three unpublished books, 300 poems and 100 short stories, plus the lyrics to my 90-plus songs. I moved the discs further away from the computer, just in case the "bug" can jump. Why take a chance with something so important, I thought.We'd been told our TV might not work too and, even if it did, the VCR would not function. So we did not even try to turn it on. We got along fine without television as kids, so no big thing.
I heard the newspaper arrive, thrown into our garage by a delivery person who seemed oblivious to the many concerns raised by those who sell computers and software. I guess the new computer-generated newspaper feels that same responsibility to publish every day -- just like in the old days when I was a journalist and we worked with hot type.
The Page One story was all about what the experts were saying about the "bug." It seems that the power did not go out all over the world. Banks and other businesses were still operating and most seemed surprised that life, as we knew it, continued.
Ah yes, those clever computer experts are the folks who conjured up this "problem" and who then made untold billions of dollars by "solving" it. It was good for the economy. Sales of computer-related items were up several thousand percent, including "snake oil" chips that you could install at home to solve the world's problems.
Just think of all the unknowing CEOs and government officials who were convinced that they must replace ancient main frame computers or the power would go out, all the traffic lights in the world would not work, airplanes would forget their destination.
There were some folks who said they would not fly on Dec. 31 unless arrival before midnight could be guaranteed. They feared they might be in an old airplane that would suddenly not know what to do after the clock struck 12 a.m. Would the plane vanish? Or, if it arrived somewhere, would it find the airport it knew so well had not been built yet?
Clearly, the family that was to greet them would not be there. They were not born yet. Maybe great-grandpa would be there, even though he's been dead for nearly 70 years.
Las Vegas closed early last night, fearing that all the lights would go out at midnight and the slot machines would automatically kick out billions in undeserved winnings to those who dared to hang around.
Interesting how those who run the gambling industry fear the big payoffs; and those who are in charge of Social Security said their concern was that the millions in government checks might not be mailed. Everyone blamed it on Y2K and the "bug."
I must admit, the whole Y2K problem and solution did have considerable entertainment value -- giving television and radio show hosts something new to talk about after another year of Lewinsky, Starr, Clinton, Hyde, Burton, Livingston, Gingrich, and all the other non-computer types who lied about non-computer, non "bug" things. Y2K actually drove those scandals off Page One.
IT'S my guess that this is the biggest hoax of the millennium, and we all found ourselves in a city of two tales. There are some who actually bought this story and who spent fortunes on new equipment and software, or on advice from experts, most of whom have written books promoting their contribution to the "Y2K problem and solution."
And there are those of us who remained skeptical, to the bitter end. Maybe our lives will go on; and theirs will end on this fateful day!
I admit I double-checked the brakes on our '94 Olds, partly because of the warnings that all cars have a programmed "chip" and partly because we live on a hill. The media told us that in cars built before auto makers knew of this bug (but after the Edsel), the brakes could fail on Jan. 1, 2000. They worked fine, thank you.
My ukulele worked fine too, and so did I. I guess we really old things are not affected by all this modern technology. Maybe we are too dumb to be frightened; or to believe in fairy tales.
Keith Haugen is a musician, teacher and freelance writer.
