EXCUSE me while I practice something here: Nyet Mayozhlavic. Nada Mayonnaiso. Nein Mayoheinrich. No Mayo fight
spreads to courtsNope. Sorry. It's not going to work. There's only one way to say "No Mayo," and that's in English.
Some no-mayo-come-lately guy is suing me in federal court in San Francisco, claiming he owns the trademark to "No Mayo" and ordering me to cease and desist using the phrase "No Mayo." I'm not kidding. He's suing me, the No Mayo King of the World. The man who was "No Mayo" before "No Mayo" was cool. The man who launched the "Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club" right here in this column 10 years ago. Actually, in 1988, it was just the "I Hate Mayonnaise Club" and it involved mainly mayo-haters in Hawaii. Then, in 1989, the New York Times News Service sent my columns nationwide and I began getting members from across the country. World domination was just a glint in my eye.
Our motto was "Just Say No Mayo" and the club was written about in just about every major newspaper in the country.
Then in 1995, I launched the club into cyberspace as the "Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club." We got even more attention and members from Australia to Germany and from Japan to South Africa. We had tapped into a global motherlode of anti-mayonnaise feelings. People around the world were tired of having the slimy, white glop slathered on everything they ordered and they weren't going to take it anymore! I received international news coverage. I was the unchallenged czar of No Mayo. At least, I thought I was.
I forgot that San Fran-centrics believe that the world revolves around them.
And so this guy opened a clothing and CD store in San Francisco named "No Mayo." For a while, I had his store on my Web site, recommending to all my members that they buy his clothes with the No Mayo logo. I thought we were buddies.
I knew he lusted after my Internet address, nomayo.com. (He has nomayo.org). He offered to trade. I said, no, because I had nomayo.com spread all over the creation.
Then, last week, I got a nasty letter from his attorney ordering me to cease and desist using nomayo.com or the phrase "No Mayo." I know, it sounds stupid. How can I, the leader of a global No Mayo Movement, not use the phrase "No Mayo"? It's like asking Don Ho not to sing "Tiny Bubbles."
Then, one of the largest humans ever to knock on my door knocked on my door. He "served" me a copy of the lawsuit. I never want to see a guy that size on my front porch again. He scared my dog.
So the battle is on. As silly as it sounds, I'm going to fight it. I've got to. They've accused me of fraud and a bunch of other defamatory stuff. My honor, suh, has been questioned! I demand satisfaction! I have my constituents to consider. My readers. My reputation as someone who took a goofy idea and managed to squeeze about a zillion newspaper columns out of it.
What chance do we have to prevail? Yes, the fellow in question did get a federal trademark on the phrase "No Mayo." But he only got it last year. I've been using the phrase for nearly 10 years.
There's also the small matter of the federal copyright I have on the original No Mayo News in 1990. Nothing in that newsletter was to be used without my permission, including the phrase "No Mayo."
So, my no-mayo buddy, I can't let you attempt to drive a legal stake into the heart of this great movement. With Oprah and her federal case against the Texas cattlemen as my model, I will fight for my God-given, constitutionally protected right to say "No Mayo." And in English.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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