Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Friday, March 13, 1998

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Reality and delirium seem
one and same

I'VE been knocked out by either a really bad cold, a really mediocre bout of flu or a really mild case of Ebola Kaneohe for the past few days.

The only good thing to come out of it is the change in voice I've been waiting for since puberty. People calling the house expecting to hear my natural voice, which is to say "Kermit the Frog on Helium," have been shocked to hear a voice from the depths of hell. Sort of Darth Vader meets Vernon Jordon. ("FEEEEEL THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE, MONICA SKYWALKER!") I think it sounds neat. It's so deep that the Cable News Network called and asked me to retape the introduction for their news programs. ("THIS IS CNN!"). I make James Earl Jones sound like a little cartoon mouse.

The thing is, I've been whirling in and out of consciousness or, as they say in the medical profession, Progressive Super-Nuclear Serial Napping. So current events have become kind of a jumble. I don't know what's real and what isn't. I guess in a few days I will get it all sorted out, but here are some of the events I understand have happened recently:

There are now six branches of government: Executive, legislative, judiciary, news media, Commission on Judicial Conduct and "The Price is Right." The Hawaii Supreme Court asked for an advisory opinion on whether its members, who appoint Bishop Estate trustees, should recuse themselves from any decisions regarding the estate. The Judicial Conduct Commission, made up of a guy named Billy after all its members recused themselves because they were all on the Bishop Estate payroll, referred the matter to Bob Barker, who suggested that the high court justices continue to handle Bishop Estate matters if they "Spin exactly $1 on the Big Wheel."

Billy spun the wheel and it just missed the dollar but ended up on 15 cents, so he got another spin. Then he got an 80, which wasn't enough to allow the justices to hear Bishop Estate matters but it did allow Billy to go to the "Showcase Showdown," where he won a trip to Arizona, a lovely living room set and a goat. I'm not sure about the last item. It could have been a shoat. Or a Croat. Something kind of disheveled and seedy looking. Wait, that was Bob Barker. Maybe he won a boat.

The City Council rejected the mayor's proposed budget because Rene Mansho is in a coma and Jon Yoshimura has amnesia and Mufi Hannemann has a secret disease that he doesn't want the evil Erica to find out about because she holds the mortgage to his daughter's home and his daughter is in prison, falsely accused of killing her husband, who was having an affair with Erica. Wait. This can't be right. Did Erica kill Mufi's daughter's husband's real estate broker on "Days of Our City Council Lives" or did Yoshimura regain his memory in "Another Council World" just in time to save little Bobby Fishman from drowning? Sorry, I'm a little lost on this one.

I was a little surprised to see state Rep. Terrance Tom and House Speaker Joe Souki on the Jenny Jones segment, "Surprise Legislative Fashion Make-Overs!" It's not every day you see Souki wearing leopard skin Speedos. Thank, God. Terrance "I just want to level the playing field" Tom came out riding on a bulldozer wearing the "Construc-tion Guy" outfit from the Village People. I believe I saw Gov. Ben Cayetano and Martha Stewart engaged in "Nude Mud Budget Wrestling" on the Maury Povich show, but that seems unlikely. Nor am I sure that Maui Mayor Linda Lingle was on Geraldo's "Neighbor Island Women Scorned" segment. Was that Henry Peters and Lokelani Lindsey on an old episode of "Hawaii Five-0?" I distinctly remember McGarrett saying, "Book 'em, Bronster." I need a nap.