Todd Chesser:

The professional surfer died in
waves off the North Shore.

It was also Todd Chesser's 29th birthday. Jeannie Chesser spent the day enduring a parent's worst nightmare. She buried her son.

In the 1970s she buried her husband, David, and it took Jeannie a decade to get over that. She doesn't think she'll ever recover from the loss of her only child, who drowned four days before his birthday while surfing off the North Shore.

Now Jeannie stumbles through the devastation that has become her life. "There are times when I can't even speak or think at all," Jeannie says quietly. "Then things get better and I can handle things, like driving, and simple tasks that we do every day. But it's difficult."

Every child is precious, but Todd was more than just a son to Jeannie, especially after his father died. "He helped me through a lot of tough times, playing with me, surfing with me, talking to me, making me laugh.

"He was really, really funny. I always liked just hanging with him."

Despite the aching loss, Jeannie has many fine memories, and much to comfort her as she grapples with his death. During her better moments, she can still see his eyes.

"They were so crystal clear blue, like the ocean when it's clear. They reminded me of his father.

Jeannie Chesser

Todd lived life to the fullest, she says. "There was nothing unfinished in Todd's life, so no one has to carry around any guilt with his death, except those who didn't get to say good-bye."

Jeannie fears that the publicity surrounding Todd's death might cause parents to forbid their children to participate in risky sports. "I would tell those parents to get involved in what their kids love to do, to find out what it's like.

"Some parents don't even know how to swim; it's a weird concept. If you love your child, don't tell them don't go surfing and not even know what it's about."

And when children compete, parents should keep the sport fun, she says. Resist the temptation to push too hard, regardless of the potential financial rewards for those who do well on the contest circuit.

Todd took an alternate route in his career as a professional surfer. He had modest success in competition, but was attracted to the big waves that break far from shore and well beyond the boundaries of most contests.

"I always decided that 5 feet and under is perfect for me, but Todd always liked big waves," Jeannie says. "I remember when he called the first time he rode giant waves, and he was totally pumped up.

"He rode outside Himalayas and they were the biggest waves he had ever ridden. He was so excited, he said 'I'm still high and it was hours ago.' I told him I was really happy for him, but in the next breath I told him 'Don't you ever do that again.'

"But he never listened. I guess it's just like he's a race car driver, it's part of their essence. You can't fight it. You just have to prepare yourself for it, like being the wife or mother of a policeman or fireman.

"It was my worst fear, and my worst fear came true."

Todd died when everything was coming together perfectly in his life. He was set to marry Janet Rollins in August, an event that would have broken female hearts all across the surfing world.

"He was just so happy to be with her, and I was so happy that he had found the right one. Everything was just blossoming."

Sponsors were charmed by Todd's keen wit and fearless quest for big waves and trackless snow, and paid him to have adventures around the world. His excursions by helicopter to Canada's wilderness for snow boarding, his treks to Chile to ride virgin waves and snowboard in the Andes Mountains were the envy of magazine readers -- as well as his mother.

"Todd would call me from somewhere and tell me 'We're going here and there,' and I would think, 'Great, I'm just going to Campbell Industrial Park to work on surfboards,'" Jeannie says with a sigh.

Not bad for a kid who at the age of 8 turned his back on the ocean and surfing to become hell on wheels riding BMX bikes in competition. That was OK with Jeannie, who didn't want to force Todd to continue surfing when bike riding made him so happy.

But she was pleased when at the age of 12 Todd had an exceptional summer surfing the right off of the Ala Moana Bowl. He surfed it so often and so well that some people dubbed it "Todd's Reef." His BMX bike was quickly forgotten and Todd was fully committed to surfing again.

"It was fine with me, because that's where I wanted to be, too."

Now Todd is gone, and the ocean helps fill the huge void created by his death. But Jeannie's relationship with the ocean has changed. "It still calms me, but now I hate being around the ocean when the surf is big.

"The first night after he died the surf was so loud, you could tell the waves were giant, and it's so powerful and awesome."

These days Jeannie is stressed out about living, but she takes strength from her continuing relationship with Janet, and with her faith in the relationship she had with Todd.

"I find comfort that there was nothing left unsaid. I always let him know we were a part of each other. And we still are.

"I believe there is something that people call heaven, it's a zone you get in. And Todd is there. We're all going to the other side, and we'll say, 'Why were we so stressed out about dying?' "