Honolulu Lite
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by Charles Memminger
Monday, June 17, 1996
And why is your line
always the longest?
TOM Martens is a guy with way too much time on his hands.
I'm not sure what he does for a living, but whatever it is, it leaves him plenty of time to ponder life's great questions. He sent me a bunch of them recently over the Internet. Since I'm not opposed to slacking off occasionally and letting someone help me fill this space, I thought I'd let you see some of questions that have been keeping Tom sleepless in cyberspace lately.
In no particular order they are:
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking there is prohibited?
- Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
- How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work in the morning?
- If 7-Eleven stores are open 24 hours a day all year, why are there locks on the doors?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it, what would happen?
- If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up automated teller machines?
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
- Why don't they make entire airplanes out of the same indestructible substance they use to make the "black boxes?"
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a guy who drives a race car not a racist?
YOU can see why Tom doesn't get much sleep. Those are some very serious questions. And they got me to thinking about some of the unanswered questions in my life. One of my favorites is one my dad used to ask: Why do people say "with all due respect" just before they verbally tear you limb from limb?
Here's a couple of others:
- Why is it you never see a fly die of natural causes?
- How is it possible to hit a red light at the exact same intersection day after day but never win a lottery?
- Why do fast-food joints insist on calling any gunk containing mayonnaise a "secret sauce?"
- Why do extraterrestrials only visit crazy people?
- How come none of Dionne Warwick's psychic friends predicted her singing career would end in the dumpster?
- Why does Sally Struthers look like she's been eating starving children?
- If a stalk of broccoli falls over in a closed refrigerator does it make a sound and does the light come on?
- How do babies know that breaking wind in a bathtub full of water is funny?
- What if dolphins tasted like tuna?
- Why can't you smell your own breath?
- What would happen if we found out that eating bald eagles increases average human life expectancy by 10 years?
- Is it true that in Asia they call alligators crocodiles and crocodiles alligators?
- What if an asteroid hits the earth releasing a new bacteria that kills everyone without tonsils, appendixes or gall bladders?
So, there you go, Tom. A few more things to keep you awake at night. Which raises one more question: Why do we never dream that we are sleeping?
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite" Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin, P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802 or send E-mail to 71224.113@compuserve.com.
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