Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Monday, June 17, 1996

I'm not sure what he does for a living, but whatever it is, it leaves him plenty of time to ponder life's great questions. He sent me a bunch of them recently over the Internet. Since I'm not opposed to slacking off occasionally and letting someone help me fill this space, I thought I'd let you see some of questions that have been keeping Tom sleepless in cyberspace lately.

In no particular order they are:

• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking there is prohibited?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work in the morning?
• If 7-Eleven stores are open 24 hours a day all year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it, what would happen?
• If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up automated teller machines?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
• Why don't they make entire airplanes out of the same indestructible substance they use to make the "black boxes?"
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a guy who drives a race car not a racist?

Here's a couple of others:

• Why is it you never see a fly die of natural causes?
• How is it possible to hit a red light at the exact same intersection day after day but never win a lottery?
• Why do fast-food joints insist on calling any gunk containing mayonnaise a "secret sauce?"
• Why do extraterrestrials only visit crazy people?
• How come none of Dionne Warwick's psychic friends predicted her singing career would end in the dumpster?
• Why does Sally Struthers look like she's been eating starving children?
• If a stalk of broccoli falls over in a closed refrigerator does it make a sound and does the light come on?
• How do babies know that breaking wind in a bathtub full of water is funny?
• What if dolphins tasted like tuna?
• Why can't you smell your own breath?
• What would happen if we found out that eating bald eagles increases average human life expectancy by 10 years?
• Is it true that in Asia they call alligators crocodiles and crocodiles alligators?
• What if an asteroid hits the earth releasing a new bacteria that kills everyone without tonsils, appendixes or gall bladders?

Honolulu Lite by Charles Memminger is a regular feature of the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin. © 1996 All rights reserved.

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