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N. Korea's future leader counts me as a 'friend'


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POSTED: Sunday, July 05, 2009

In 2006, while navigating then-juggernaut MySpace.com, this Digital Slob tripped over the journalistic “;get”; of a lifetime—a survey-style interview with someone purporting to be a high-ranking general in the North Korean military (hsblinks.com/f6).

But a lot can happen in a few dozen months. Now, MySpace has ceded its dominance over social networking to Facebook, while at the same time Kim Jong Il seems to be ceding power to his son, Kim Jong Un.

Still, count me surprised yet again when someone claiming to be young gun Jong Un himself friended me on Facebook and agreed to similar interview terms—a survey-style Q&A that for security purposes could only employ the kind of bland questions that commonly grease the wheels on social networks.

Very little is known about Kim's apparent 20-something successor, so feel free to look at these precocious statements with a cynical eye. Even so, he comes across as more real, if not quite as callous, as any cast member on “;The Hills.”;

QUESTION: Who knows the most about you?

ANSWER: The guidance counselor at my Swiss boarding school. Every year on Dear Leader's birthday, he sends me a pair of tap shoes and a card that says “;Follow Your Dreams,”; which is sweet when you consider I had my henchmen remove his tongue.

Q: If you had one month to live, what would you do?

A: Kidnap Megan Fox and negotiate for more time.

Q: Who do you call first with any kind of news, however small or insignificant?

A: The guys down at the missile silo—I can always get them to sit at the edge of their seats.

Q: Where were you when Michael Jackson died?

A: I immediately ran to Prison Camp No. 18 and forced inmates to perform a synchronized dance routine to his 1987 song “;Smooth Criminal”; for the Web. It took 100 carpenters eight hours to nail down everyone's feet to simulate his 45-degree lean at the end of that video. But after all that trouble, it still only got 47 hits on YouTube, so I took it down. Turns out, “;Smooth Criminal”;—rare miss for Jacko. Who knew?

Q: Who makes you absolutely livid?

A: Jon and Kate on “;Jon & Kate Plus Eight.”; I want to annihilate them just on principle, but our generals say it's problematic. Since they've separated, we'd never be able to take them out with one missile, and my dad insists they're just not worth two.

Q: Have you ever felt like you weren't important?

A: A few years back I thought my dad forgot my birthday, but he insisted I had mixed up my birthday with my body double's. But I said, “;How do I know I'm not the double, and he's your son?”; So he killed him. Then I said, “;OK, but that doesn't count as my present. I still want those $20,000 handcrafted Carradan snow skis. And not used ones off eBay. I'll know the difference.”;

Q: What's the first thing you'll do after your wedding?

A: Take my new father-in-law off death row. A deal's a deal.

Q: Does it bother you when someone lies to you?

A: It's not the lying so much as the time suck—calling the mob of interrogators, waiting for the plastic to be put over the carpet—before you know it, you've missed Conan. Fortunately, I have TiVo.

Q: Who ticked you off last and why?

A: That news anchor on state-run TV last month. When he said I would soon be promoted to head the Korean Workers' Party, putting me in line to become the de-facto head of state—that was all fine. But right at the end when he said I had also been bestowed the honorific “;Brilliant Comrade,”; I sensed irony in his voice—I rewound it like 100 times. Fortunately, I'm told he just retired and, at 31, will soon become our prison system's youngest-ever video choreographer.

 

Follow columnist Curt Brandao's Twitter feed at www.twitter.com/digitalslob.